The Cat of Dick

Since my earlier post revealing the unhealthy nature of Dick Cheney’s relationship with his family cat, Snuffy, I have been asked to provide more information about the deranged feline. Here, as best as I can muster through my various channels (including Lumpy the Mongoose, my Extremely Reliable Anonymous Informant), is a short biography of Snuffy the Cat:

At the age of 6 weeks, Snuffy was forcibly removed from his mother by a human who thought he was "cute". He would never forget the humiliation; the endless "goochy-goochy" from the wife, scornful looks from Dick himself, the smell of expensive leather seats, the disappearing home of his birth through the freshly washed car window.

Snuffy soon learned to get around the mansion. At first unsteady on the marble floors, he found his footing and became quite adept at sneaking around after dark. At the age of two, he figured out how to operate the television, and inspired by cable’s numerous robot competition shows he decided to make his first remote-control device.

During the day Snuffy played the part of the accommodating housecat, purring on request, and even occasionally lowering himself to sitting in Dick’s lap. The family did not suspect the growing laboratory Snuffy was building in the basement. He got his supplies from local dogs, stupid creatures, he thought, always willing to help, never asking anything in return. Just say "fetch" and off they go. He built dozens of remote-control robots, including one which could steal fish from the local supermarket. But he knew he wanted more.

Snuffy had his eye on the prize. Dick had just become Secretary of Defense for G.H.W. Bush, and Snuffy found the idea of controlling such a high-ranking public official irresistable. So one day, when Dick had an appointment at the CIA, he stuffed himself into Dick’s briefcase.

At the CIA Snuffy freed himself from the briefcase while Dick took one of his numerous bathroom breaks and combed the building. In a dark room at the far end (I’m told the CIA building does not have a near end) Snuffy found what he was looking for: a remote control device that works on humans. It had most recently been used to thwart Democratic presidential candidates. He took it.

The next day Dick slept in while his wife attended a garden party. Snuffy snuck into Dick’s bedroom, knocked Dick on the head to insure he remained unconscious, and installed the implant receiver in the back of his neck.

Mr. Cheney has been under the control of Snuffy the Cat ever since.

7:14:06 AM