Tony Blair: not a scary man

Here’s this rat’s problem with Tony Blair: he’s not the slightest bit scary.  He reminds me of a steadfast, kindly uncle who will buy me a bicycle for Christmas.  I do not believe he would ever drop a megaton bomb on my little rodent head.  At least not on purpose. 

This week, however, Mr. Blair’s purpose was clearly to scare the living bejeezus out of Saddam Hussein, and he gave a valiant speech as part of the effort. Before we declare him to be precisely the wrong man for the job, let’s consider the alternative: GW Bush. There, I thought so.

Mr. Blair has an awkward position in history. When our half-cat President, Mr. Bush, makes some partially-conscious  pronouncement about “axis of evil”, Tony Blair immediately trots to the nearest television station and says whatever it was that Mr. Bush should have said, had he not been heavily under the influence of catnip.  

This Guardian columnist asks, is Mr. Blair simply “rattling sabers” to scare Hussein into backing down?

To answer this question, we need to find whether or not Mr. Blair could ever, under any reasonable definition, be considered scary. Then, we must determine what level of scariness would be sufficient to cause Hussein to back down. Finally, we must engage in a complex mathematical equation to determine the Mother of All Quotients, which is the number used to determine whether a given individual is in fact scary enough to make Saddam Hussein wet his little weasel pants.  I have prepared the following to help illustrate the concept:

Wijth a  Mother of All Quotients barely passing 80, clearly, Mr. Blair is not scary enough.  Applying the same equation, however, we find that the following individuals are in fact scary enough:

            Bruce Springsteen

            Madonna

            Pesky the Rat

As Madonna and I are currently quite busy with our homeless hamster charity, I nominate Mr. Bruce Springsteen to take on the role of scaring the living crap out of Saddam Hussein.  I do realize this will take time out of his busy schedule. However, if he should decline, “the terrorists have won”.  Or something like that.

11:43:27 PM