Bush misinterprets UN Map of falafel stands

This Iraq business gets messier by the day. Mr. Bush and his newfound best friend, Tony Blair, continue to try to convince us all that we will never be safe until Saddam Hussein is turned into weasel cubes.  As part of their campaign, the pair cited UN satellite photographs of structures in Iraq that Bush says show Iraq's nuclear capabilities.

However, this rat has obtained information from a Highly Reliable and Anonymous Source (Lumpy the Mongoose) indicating that the photograph may have in fact been a map showing falafel stands in central Baghdad.  It is believed the map came from the personal possession of former weapons inspector Scott Ritter, who frequented the falafel stands during his visits to the country on UN business.

Now, I can understand Mr. Bush's concerns. I, too, have been the victim of bad falafel. In fact, there are very few things as bad as six-day-old moldy falafel. I would wager that Saddam the Weasel could probably take over six middle-eastern countries just by threatening them with rotten falafel.  However, falafel is not a long-range weapon, and doesn't pose an immediate threat to the United States. Therefore, this statement from  Snuffy the Cat (through his radio-controlled human Dick Cheney), makes little sense:

      “If we have reason to believe someone is preparing an attack against the U.S., has developed that capability, harbors those aspirations, then I think the U.S. is justified in dealing with that, if necessary, by military force." (msnbc.com)

Now, Snuffy (by way of Dick), seems to think that Saddam the Weasel has some kind of weapon that can get to the United States. We know he doesn't have ICBMs, so Snuffy tells us he has something far worse: suitcases.

Yes, suitcases. Presumably the kind thrown around by gorillas in those Samsonite commercials.  It's hard to argue with Snuffy; it's highly likely, I would say, that Iraq is simply FULL of suitcases. Big suitcases, small suitcases. Hello Kitty suitcases with those little blue big-eyed characters on the front. Hawaiian print suitcases. Plaid tattered suitcases like the kind your parents have that embarrass you on trips abroad.  And furthermore, Snuffy and his friends want us to know, you can put things IN suitcases. Like bombs, and apparently nuclear weapons. Or bad falafel.

So we are to go to war with Iraq becuase the Iraqis have recklessly invested in suitcases, and have learned how to put things in them. Some Iraqis reportedly also know how to fly planes, and read maps, and make fun of George W. Bush in human Arabic, but it is the suitcases in particular that bother our Mr. Bush and Snuffy.

I suppose if we do decide to go in and take over Iraq, at least we'll know where all the best falafel stands are.

8:47:50 PM