Bush administration announces Santa Claus to support attack on Iraq

Bush administration critics who claim the US has little support for an attack on Iraq experienced a major setback today, when it was announced that Santa Claus, the shadowy and powerful head of the world's largest international toy cartel, now supports the invasion.

The support of Claus is considered crucial if the invasion is to succeed, as US taxpayers are notoriously stingy, and likely won't want to pay for the extensive rebuilding efforts most experts believe would be required to make the invasion a long term success. Claus can provide the assistance of his toy smuggling operation in what is being called "The Barbie Scenario", where Claus' fleet of over 50,000 nuclear-powered reindeer drop millions of toys on Iraq following the fall of Baghdad, bribing the smallest members of the population into submission.

"It's the little guys you have to worry about," says Bush administration military advisor Paul Wolfowitz. "There's so darned many of 'em. The population is 40% under the age of 18. The really old ones we know can't hurt us, but the little fellas can get you. I should know. Just last week an eight year old kicked me in the balls. Trust me, those guys pack a punch."

Pentagon analysts, however, are more concerned about the potential destructive power of teenage girls. "We have done careful analysis of 'Nsync and Backstreet Boys concerts, and have determined that a group of thirty or forty horny pre-teen and teenage girls has the same potential energy as two Hiroshima-sized nuclear bombs," says Colonel Ned the Porcupine.  Using this information, the Pentagon has asked the Claus cartel to concentrate on dropping massive quantities of Barbie dolls, as well as Pokemon, boy band trading cards, video games, and puppies on the greater Baghdad area.

The hope is that by literally showering the children with gifts early on, they will be too busy playing with their new toys to organize into the lethal battalions of death Pentagon officials fear they could become.  One Pentagon official recalled, under condition of anonymity, the horror he experienced only last year when confronted by his own 10-year-old daughter. "She wanted a new bicycle, and I said no," he sobbed. "She gave me the Look of Famine and Neglect, and I nearly lost my shirt buying her everything she wanted for weeks. I just can't let that happen to anybody else.  My God, I just can't!" (sob sob snuffle)

The relatively low salaries drawn by American soldiers could complicate matters further, as they wouldn't last nearly as long in the presence of such wily little beasts as a well-paid Pentagon official.  Talk of giving the soldiers a raise has met with little practical success. Instead, the Department of Defense has concentrated on providing the soldiers with better guns and grenades, which are considered counterproductive when used against little combatants.

This new alliance with the Claus cartel can only be considered a gamble.  Claus, of course, is chomping at the bit, having been effectively shut out of the Middle East gift-giving market entirely. Desperate to establish smuggling routes throughout most Arab countries and Israel, Claus will likely be willing to do almost anything to gain a foothold.

But at what cost? The Claus ruthlessness is legendary. Claus, who uses dozens of pseudonyms, commands tens of thousands of short, shifty-eyed elves, and has licensed his image to be used on everything from balloons to toilet paper, is not the trustworthy sort. There are rumors he has collaborated with cats, as evidenced by the large number of kittens being given as Christmas presents. There is further evidence that some of the "toys" he smuggles across national borders with his nuclear-powered reindeer might not be toys at all, but WMD (Whining Mutant Daughters), which he uses to replace little girls in homes across America. Already, it is believed that WMDs have been planted in the Bush family, with devastating effect.

The threat of Saddam the Weasel may be large. But is it so great that we must set aside common sense and form pacts with the nefarious forces of the world? Are we better judged by the quality of our enemies, or our friends? Can a ten year old with a lugee take down a tank?

10:12:31 PM