Where the heck is Ralph Nader?

Burt the Dog up in Daly City sent me the following question:

"Where is Ralph Nader? Where is he hiding? There are zillions of rats in every clime and place. They should know where Ralph is."

Burt, this is an excellent question. I have contacted all of my best rodent sources and have come up with the following itinerary for Ralph Nader over the last week:

Thursday, October 17

10:27:05 PM   

Book recommendation from The Rat

This week's recommended reading for discerning rodents is "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel" by Scott Adams. Mr. Adams provides a sobering account of the massive infiltration of corporate America by weasels.  I do feel he glosses over the essential role played by leading felines, particularly in Enron (Ken Lay the Cat of course being one of the best known), but nevertheless it's good to see a major author tackling the predator issue head-on.

Save the SEC!

Sadly, hopes for a beefed-up SEC with a well-paid battalion of canine agents to take on feline lawbreakers have faded. Bush's cronies appear ready to reduce the already anemic extra funding we all thought it would get, assuming that most rodents and humans are paying more attention to this sniper fellow. But I, of course, have an alternative. If Congress and the half-cat (the bottom half) President won't properly fund one of America's most important institutions, instead choosing to use our tax dollars for Pat Robertson's favorite charity, we need to take matters into our own hands.  

Many moons ago, before I arrived here at Salon Blogs, I told my readers about a tragic experiment at Johnson & Johnson involving lab rats and band-aids. The result, a fast-reproducing species known as the Rat-Aid, soon spread around the country, sticking itself to buildings, and generally confusing the human population. I propose that we recruit the Rat-Aids to stick themselves in large numbers around the White House until the President agrees to restore SEC funding, and then to increase it by threefold. Once the SEC has enough resources to fight on a level playing field against the feline and weasel robber barons of America, we can attempt to unstick the Rat-Aids. Now, I must confess no one has yet determined a safe way to unstick a Rat-Aid, particularly if it doesn't want to be unstuck, but I'm sure we'll figure that out by 2004.

Rat-Aids unite! Your country needs you!

6:14:25 PM