Bush says he doesn't need UN; invasion instead to be
sponsored by the letters X,Y and Z

Elmo the Annoying Red Fluffy Thing from Sesame Street  announced today that the letters X,Y and Z will be the primary sponsors of the upcoming invasion of Iraq. My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, tells me that Elmo is personally overseeing the operation, which came about after Bush found the letters U and N uncooperative.

"X,Y and Z are less popular, and therefore more desperate for attention. The Bush administration feels it will be easier to exploit the desire of X, Y and Z to achieve the same standing as letters that appear earlier in the alphabet." Lumpy also says that Elmo will be key to the President's plans, as he has extensive special forces training and is a veteran of the Gulf War. "Elmo scares the living bejeezus out of everyone at the Pentagon. They're just glad he's on our side."

Some, however, question Elmo's loyalty. "His voice sounds so fake," says a fuzzy green Sesame Street cast member who lives in a trash can and refuses to be identified by name. "I called Operation Tips 'cause I thought he might be with al qaeada, but for some reason they think I'm a fictional character."  Strangely, when President Bush called Operation Tips a few weeks ago to report the suspicious behavior of Dick Gephardt, he ran into the same problem.

The cooperation of X,Y and Z along with the support of Elmo and the shadowy Santa Claus toy cartel have all combined to give Bush newfound confidence.  But when push comes to shove, will X,Y and Z really offer more than U and N? Can a letter associated with Xylophone really pack a punch? And while all this is going on, who's minding the P's and Q's?

6:59:15 PM   

The Rat hits eBay

I'm sure many of my readers spend endless hours wondering what a renaissance rat such as myself does with his spare time.  Well, today I crept around eBay looking for rodent-related items to add to my spaciously appointed nest in the attic (and yes, that's YOUR attic, if you hadn't guessed by all the scratching noises).  I found some good, some downright disturbing. Here's the highlights:

The ultimate driving machine (for hamsters).

Rat pin-up calendar: for those lonely nights between wives.

Evidence of the sickness of the human race: for rats with no self-esteem, I suppose.  Rizzo the rat was the height of anti-rodent hollywood stereotypes, and now this, the final humiliation.

Oh, you poor sad humans. Do you honestly think this sort of thing works? Do you honestly think ANYTHING works? We are smarter than you. No matter what you do, where you go, we will be there, nibbling your hair while you sleep.  Hehehehehehe...squeak.

That's my window shopping for today. Going to see a movie on Sunday--look for a review Sunday night. Can't decide what to see. As a rat I can of course always sneak in for free, so it's really a matter of which theatre has the least effective cleaning crew and therefore the best variety of rotting sweets on the floor. More later.

12:04:09 AM