Henry Kissinger fires himself after watching
reruns of "Dr. Phil", overthrows Salvation Army,
declares war on mall Santas

The Bush administration suffered an embarrassment Thursday when Henry Kissinger resigned from the September 11 commission. My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, tells me that Kissinger's decision came after watching six consecutive episodes of the TV talk show, "Dr. Phil":

"Kissinger found Dr. Phil's straight talk hit too close to home, and after three episodes was seen flinging himself at the door of the Cambodian embassy, begging to apologize for his past transgressions. The Cambodians thought he was drunk and called local authorities, who hauled him off to a local jail to sober up. While there Kissinger watched three more episodes, including one in which Dr. Phil repeatedly said, 'dammit, you've gotta be true to yourself, sweetheart. Find your heart of hearts.'  Kissinger then decided to quit the commission and become a bellringer for the Salvation Army. He took an assignement outside a Target store in New Jersey." 

Lumpy is such a useful Anonymous Source, isn't he? I have no idea how he finds out these things.

But all does not end there, blograts. Kissinger's new-found sense of charity has already given way to more sinister motivations. Apparently working for an organization with the word "army" in the title was more than Kissinger could handle, and he was soon up to his old tricks. Kissinger infiltrated the highest ranks of the Salvation Army and orchestrated a coup, taking control. He then declared war on all mall-based Santas and sent platoons of Salvation Army troops into major American shopping centers to liquidate his targets.  After the actual Salvation Army members refused to go along, Kissinger replaced them with legions of Rush Limbaugh's Dittoheads. Apparently Dittoheads will do anything for a cookie.

Readers are advised to exercise extreme caution when approaching American shopping malls and to be on the lookout for portly, sinister-looking individuals in Salvation Army uniforms. A countercoup to retake the Salvation Army from Kissinger is planned for 3:00 Monday afternoon.

7:21:41 PM