Bush vows to end affirmative action for white males

In a moment of confusion, President Bush today said he would ask the justice department to stop affirmative action for white males. "Racial quotas are just flat-out plain wrong," said the President, who then proceeded to eat his own tie.

Justice department staff, however, immediately reacted to the statement. "There's no freakin' way we can do that," said Screeeech Yowlarooni the Cat, assistant to John Ashcroft. "I mean, we'd have to increase our budget by 10,000% and we'd need a staffing level comparable to the population of Mexico."  Screeech suggested a more incremental approach. "We'll slap dresses on 'em and make 'em watch Oprah."

Meanwhile, Senator Trent Lott spent the day convincing colleagues that Congress isn't actually 85% white male. "See, there's the Italians, and the Irish, and the English, and the Scottish, and the Germans, and the Norwegians, and the Swedes, and the English, and the Scottish, and...well, you know, the Irish are green, and the Scottish, well, they're plaid, aren't they? And those Italians, well..."

Trent then spent the afternoon getting his breasts augmented (details available soon on The Learning Channel).

Back in the White House, Condeleeza Rice is reportedly chomping at the bit. White House intern Roy the Fish reveals, "Rice thinks this could be her shot at the Presidency. She's wanted it for years. She's even started redecorating the West Wing. The President hasn't noticed yet, but in the family living room there is now a giant globe of the world with the words 'All this belongs to Condeleeza' embossed around the equator."

Not that Condeleeza has any sort of a complex about world domination, no sirree. Although that could explain her growing collection of F-16s.

The President is reportedly already eating his words, but as his thought processes run on 36-hour cycles, it will take some time for a full reversal to come through.

12:02:13 AM