Bush's attempt to show Iraq's "smoking gun" during
State of the Union address goes horribly wrong;
Trent Lott in surgery to remove beebees from butt

In a desperate attempt to stem sliding American support for the upcoming war with Iraq, President Bush acquired the actual Iraqi Smoking Gun from the CIA and attempted to show it to skeptical Americans during the State of the Union address this evening.

During a portion of the speech mysteriously censored by all major networks, Bush said, "I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of watching reruns of bad movies. Sick and tired of it. So tonight only, I've decided to show you, the American people, the one and only Iraqi Smoking Gun, to once and for all shut up those peaceniks. So here it is:"

At this point Bush held up a small beebee gun with a bright red handle and a "Lone Ranger" logo. Oddly, as the C-Span camera zeroed in, the handle also seemed to have the initials GWB embossed on the end.

The audience gasped. Toward the back of the room, Senator Trent Lott stood up and yelled, "Yeehaw!" before falling flat on his face. The temporary distraction caused Bush to stumble with the gun, which accidentally went off, hitting Lott square in the butt.

Two secret service agents wrestled the gun away from the President and stuck a lollipop in his mouth. Lott, meanwhile, screeched in pain, yowling very much like a cat. Leading felines rushed to insist that this in no way indicates that Trent Lott is a cat in disguise.

Emergency crews quickly loaded Lott, punctured butt and all, onto a stretcher and rushed him to a nearby hospital.

Washington governor Gary Locke, already nervous about his rebuttal speech, giggled for a few moments, and then asked, "does this mean it doesn't matter if I screw up?"

6:12:37 PM   

Secret Bush document revealed!

My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, has uncovered a secret Bush document that sheds some light on the administration's foreign policy of late.

10:32:24 AM