Disraught bacteria commits apoptosis after failing to
infect George W. Bush with common sense

Gram the Streptococcus Bacteria, well known for his repeated but fruitless attempts to infect the President of the United States with common sense, died yesterday, apparently after committing apoptosis. Friends of Gram say his usually positive demeanor had become negative of late.

Gram failed to show up on Friday for work at his job with the Transportation Safety Administration, where he examined ultra-small laptops and tiny cell phones. A coworker remembers how Gram used to enjoy his work: "Gram was great. He'd never complain, you know. You'd barely even notice he was there," said Ronalda the Human. But there were signs of trouble. Ronalda explains. "People made fun of his name, Streptococcus. He got really embarrassed when they made it sound dirty."

Gram embarked on his lifelong mission after the President embarked on a tax cut crusade after taking office. Gram felt strongly that cutting taxes for rich people was not the slightest bit sensible. Being a bacteria, Gram thought he was just the organism to infect the President with a little common sense. Repeatedly, Gram traveled to Washington and attempted to meet with the President, but found it difficult to get past the White House cleaning ladies with their deadly bottles of antibacterial Lysol. But in the end, it was Bush's recent diplomatic failures on the Iraq issue that caused Gram to lose hope.

Friends say Gram, devestated by Bush's arrogance and rush to war, erected a peptidoglycan wall around himself and refused to chain with any of his fellow bacteria. He became addicted to aerobics, watching bad exercise videos day in and day out. He ordered a thighmaster and then discovered he had no thighs. After a few days of wallowing in his own chromasomes, Gram enacted his own demise. He was found by his neighbor, Wilma the Flatworm. Bacteria everywhere are flagellating at half flagella in his memory.

9:12:58 PM   

Bush sacrifices virgin goats to entice support
from Security Council member Kingdom of Boo-ya

In a desperate attempt to win support from the diverse members of the UN Security Council, the Bush administration has launched an all-out campaign to win the favor of Zibble Zibblibug, King of the Exalted Kingdom of Boo-ya. Boo-ya, which is reportedly an island kingdom off the coast of somewhere, was elected to the Security Council a year ago after UN members accidentally marked the wrong side of a butterfly ballot.

King Zibble is dearly loved by his thousands of subjects, over half of whom have named themselves after him, leading to an enormous amount of confusion. King Zibble always has tea at three o'clock with muffins and toast and the company of his two penguin friends.  On Mondays, King Zibble goes before his people in the Grand Nibble, the Boo-ya version of parliament. The sessions usually consist of Boo-yans screaming out legislative suggestions at the tops of their lungs and King Zibble screaming back, "Give me more toast!"  The Boo-yans then do whatever they want. The kingdom has no police, but it does have a force of heavily armed individuals charged with insuring nobody ever wears clothing with velcro.

When President Bush took office, he had no idea the Exalted Kingdom of Boo-ya existed. It is believed the President is still not aware of the Kingdom's existence, but is sucking up to it anyway.  White House protocol advisor Gunter the Gnat says that pleasing the Boo-yans' eccentric monarch requires sacrifice. Goat sacrifice, that is.

So today, after his Middle East press conference, President Bush hauled a virgin goat out onto the White House lawn and sacrificed it to the horror of several hoofed observers   Delighted, King Zibble says he will now take the President’s please for support on Iraq much more seriously. “I see he has sacrificed the goat. Give me more toast!”

7:58:48 AM