God converts to Microsoft Windows, experiences salvation failure; disraught Christians lament not having Saved themselves more often

In a shocking turn of events, sources in Heaven report that God has made a crucial error in the management of His IT infrastructure.  For millennia Heaven has run Linux, considered reliable but lacking in a certain pizazz The Lord prefers. Then, He watched his satellite TV, and He saw a Microsoft advertisement that said, "Where do you want to go today?" And He thought, "Nobody's ever asked me that before." In a few moments, an Angel of Microsoft appeared before Him and demonstrated the wonders of Windows. God wondered for a moment why the Angel of Microsoft had pointy horns sticking out of his head, but soon became distracted by a colorful 3D pinball game.

The next day, the Creator rolled out of bed and declared in a voice that boomed through all the circles of Heaven, "We shall go Windows. It is good."

And Heaven fairly buzzed with activity. The Servers grew fruitful and multiplied; where before there had been one, Windows made five. St. Peter and St. Paul spread the Word of the Righteous Click. And the Good Lord discovered that whenever He had a question, or just got a little lonely, he could ask the Paperclip Man.

And so it was for a hundred generations and two hundred upgrades. And the Servers continued to multiply until they were the salt of the Heavens. Millions of angels tended to the Servers, which stored the everlasting souls of The Saved down on Earth.

One day, God wrote a message to one of His children in Outlook. In a brief moment of theological self-doubt, He ran a spell check. Instead of the commandment, "you should allow aggressive inspections to disable the evil Hussein and refrain from full-scale invasion," the spell check changed the message to, "Go for it, George, shock 'n awe. Shock 'n awe! Duuuuuude! Like totally."  Without double checking his message, God pressed Send. 

But St. Peter yelled up from the Gates of Heaven, "Send and Ye Shall Receive!" and lo, this happened. God received a message from lucifer666.  The message said, "ENHANCE YOUR MOST IMPORTANT ASSET!" and had pictures God thought rather unseemly. But that wasn't all. The Message carried a Payload.

All over Heaven, The Servers crashed. Total Salvation Failure.

The recriminations flew faster than cherubs on cappuccino. Gabriel said, "It must be a bug."

"But this is Heaven!" said God. "There are no bugs, only Features!"

On Earth, Christians shuddered in horror as word spread that their eternal souls would revert to their Last Save. Jerry Fallwell reverted to the age of fourteen, and ditched his ministry to spy on college girls in the shower.  George W. Bush, who unfortunately had never bothered to properly Save at all, sat on a couch in the West Wing and recklessly sucked on a pretzel.  In a board meeting of the Christian Coalition, members stared blankly around and wondered why they were no longer giving each other wedgies at church camp.

The situation remains volatile. St. Paul is reportedly completely unable to properly evaluate candidates for admission to heaven, and now all sorts of rif raf are getting in. The Angel of Microsoft is nowhere to be found, and God is reportedly considering going back to a paper system.

11:26:29 PM