Disclaimer: Once again, my agent, Susan the Human, is forcing me to give the wretched piece of twine Janet the Snake space on my weblog. I cannot tell you how filthy and disgusting this makes me feel. Usually, filthy and disgusting is a good thing, as I am a rat. But Janet takes everything good in my life and turns it to pure shit.

Janet the Snake
SuperSexy Reptile Pundit
Gives American taxpayers her top tips
for ssstiffing Uncle Sam on April 15

Hello SsssuperSssexy fansss! It  iss I, Janet the Snake, here to give you the kind of tax advicsse the rodent-dominated bleeing-heart media will never give you. I will tell you all the tricksss. All the ssssneaky wayss you can sssave your preciousss dollarss from getting sssucked up by Uncle Sssam. You just lissten to Ssisster Janet & watch your wallet grow.

Tip #1: Don't forget to deduct your sssecret llama farm. Yess, I know, you sssay you do not have a llama farm. You sssay you live in an apartment and have nowhere to put a llama. Thiss is not a problem. You just sssay you have a llama farm, and then you get ssspecial llama farm tax rebatess. If the IRSss comes looking for the llama farm, get your friendsss to dress up like llamass in the park. Thiss will work.

Tip #2: You must have many, many children. Thisss is eassy if you are a ssnake like me, ass I have dozenss at a time. But if you are a human, thiss may be difficult. Ssso you jussst make a few up. If the IRSss comes calling, you jusst go to a neighborhood school, and you grab a baker'sss dozen. Their parentss won't miss them. Nobody likesss whiny ten-year-oldsss anyway.

Tip #3: Hire an offshore accountant. Now, sssome people would sssay you jusst need an offshore account, but I sssay, it doessn't work unlesss the accountant'ss offshore, too. I have my accountant, One-Eyed Flynn, parked on an abandoned drilling rig off the wesst coasst of Florida. He isss completely dependant on me for food and fresh water. A while back, he sssaid he wouldn't go along with the llama farm idea.  Ssso I jusst took away hiss water for about a week and then he sssudenly wass very cooperative.  Sssuch a nice man, my Mr. Flynn. Ssso sad about his right leg, but I wass hungry on my lassst vissit.

Tip #4: Have at leasst three ssocial ssecurity numberss. That way, you can file your taxesss three timess, and get three refundss. Actually, it isssn't a refund, ssince if you follow my advice you don't pay taxess to begin with, but you undersstand. The IRSss is so efficient now. They pay me in a couple of weeksss by direct depossit to the oil rig. Ssso very convenient.

Tip #5: Donate lotsss of money to yourssself. Yess, I know thiss sseems sstrange, but you can actually make yoursself a charity. I have done thisss. I have a tax-deductable charity called "Sssave the Snakesss" and you can give money if you like. Mainly I just give money to myssself. Thisss iss very amussing and quite sssatisfying. Hisshisshisshiss.

So you ssse, if you follow my five sssimple ssteps, you will not have to give any money to Uncle Sssam. You will get to keep it all for yoursself. Thiss is lotss of fun. I have my money in a giant bucket in my houssse, and I role around in it when I am bored. There isss nothing sssexier than money. Money is SsuperSexy. Just like me.

10:28:36 PM