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Tippy the Libertarian Cow
interviews
Tim Robbins, Extremely Tall Opinionated Actor
It's time for another visit from Tippy the Libertarian Cow, who  last was seen in this blog tipping over every time anyone asks her about income taxes. Tippy has agreed to interview the tallest actor in the world, Tim Robbins, about his recent appearance at the White House Correspondent's dinner.
Tippy: Hi there, Tim. So nice you could chat with me.
Tim: What? I can't hear you down there.
Tippy (shouting): I said, hi, Tim. So, how do you think your speech at the press dinner was received?
Tim: Oh, it went all right. A lot of those guys are part of the problem, though, so it's not surprising that some of them didn't like it. And that ugly guy from FOX kept picking his nose.
Tippy (standing on the tips of her hooves): Do you really think freedom of speech is under assault right now?
Tim (leaning over): Oh, yes, absolutely. These bullies want to shut everyone up. Even cows like you, Tippy.
Tippy (swaying back and forth precariously on her back hooves): Don't I know it. Just last week I tried to speak out against the rules prohibiting cows in restaurants, and I couldn't get one major TV network to pay attention. I mean, all I wanted to do was have a goddamned burger, and--
Tim: You were going to eat a burger?
Tippy: Yeah, they have these great flame-broiled--
Tim: Tippy, you're a cow! You eat other cows? Isn't that, well, cannibalism?
Tippy: It's a cow-eat-cow world out there, Tim, or haven't you noticed?
Tim: Actually, I hadn't noticed that.
Tippy: What, are you some sort of bleeding heart?
Tim: Well, I don't eat other humans, if that's what you mean.
Tippy: Shame. I had a human sandwich once. Stringy, but nice flavor.
Tim: Good lord. I am way too tall for this conversation.
Tippy: Hey, at least I'm interviewing you. Try getting yourself on CNN after that little display at the press dinner.
Tim: All right, Tippy. I hate to do this, but--
Tippy: Don't! I'm sorry. I'll be nice. I'll give you softball questions. How's the kids? That wife of yours is so skinny. Loved that prison movie.
Tim: Tippy, what is your position on FEDERAL INCOME TAXES?
Tippy (falls over, rolls down a nearby flight of stairs): Curse you, actor boy, curse you! (thwunk) I'll have you know (thwunk) I think income taxes are (thwunk) one step away (thwunk) from fascism (THWUNK). Damnit.
Bush orders Marines to stop the looting;
Marines fly back to America, surround the Capitol,
demand Bush rescind his tax cuts
In a startling turn of events, an order from the Commander-in-Chief seems to have backfired in a way few ever imagined. On Monday, President Bush sent an order to troops in the Middle East to do something about the looting of Iraq's homes, government offices, and national treasures. Unfortunately, in his haste, the President wrote, "stop the looting asap" instead of "stop the looting in Iraq asap". The Marines, who are specially trained to immediately home in on the greatest threat to American national interest, climbed onboard troop transport lanes and booked it back to Washington.
An embarrassed White House rescinded the order this morning after ten thousand troops massed on the Mall, ready to take on the President's latest budget proposals, which include major cuts to veterans benefits. A small group of CIA analysts remained behind, however, trying to determine whether or not President Bush has any plans to cut their Federal pensions.
6:39:31 AM
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