Bush administration art advisors quit;
after two years, never found guy named Art

Two years ago, art expert Seymour Smicklebottom couldn't believe his luck--he'd been tapped by the fledgling Bush administration to fill the role of Art Advisor to the White House. Seymour dreamed of enlightening the new President on the importance of art and free expression in American society. He wanted to encourage the President to host artistic events at the White House, and to attend art exhibitions in the Capitol.

The President, however, upon discovering that he had at his disposal three Art Advisors, rejoiced that he would now be able to track down the notorious Art, a demonically possessed villain who had shortsheeted young George W.'s bed while at the Silver Spoon Summer Camp in New Hampshire many moons ago. Art had terrorized George for weeks, putting honey in his underwear and depositing most of an ant farm in his sock drawer. Art mocked the future President at mealtimes,  flung at least six meatballs into George's hair, and dumped an entire pitcher of lemonade down his shorts.

But then, when the Summer of Terror drew to a close, Art disappeared. He left two days before the end of camp, and despite numerous bribes to camp officials, George never could find Art's last name or address. And so the name "Art" became etched irrevocably in young George's impressionable mind as a mastermind of fear and wedgies.

Fast forwad to 2001, when the President set his new Art Advisors to work. Seymour travelled the world in search of the elusive Art, chasing Art Smith and Art Jones and every other Art under the sun, but to no avail. The world seemed to be full of Arts, but no Art.

The failure of the three Art Advisors to find the singular Art did not escape the President's notice. Frequently, President Bush would call Seymour up and ask, "Where the hell is Art?" and Seymour, hoping against hope, would say, "The Smithsonian!" and the President would say, "What the hell are you talking about?" and Seymour's heart would sink, and he would simply say, "I don't know where Art is, Mr. President. I just don't."

The final straw came last week, when Seymour and the other two Art Advisors were sent to Iraq to determine if Art was perhaps hiding there. The President was convinced that Art was in league with Saddam Hussein.

But Art was not in Iraq. Seymour came to the conclusion that Art wasn't anywhere, at least not anymore, and that the last two years of his life had been spent on a wild Art chase. After the looting of the Baghdad antiquities museum, Seymour and his fellow Art Advisors resigned, and resolved to spend their lives assisting in the recovery of art, rather than Art. The President is reportedly confused, but has already appointed another Art Advisor; a fellow named Arthur who happens to be the meatball-flinging champion of New Hampshire.

7:47:54 AM