Pesky the Rat's Democratic Presidential Debate

Recently, several Democratic presidential candidates gathered to talk about how best to counter George W. Bush in 2004.  Immediately following the debate, I asked my hamster friends from the Teamsters (Heamsters) to round up the candidates and bring them out to the Silicon Valley for a quick session in front of the rodent public.

Pesky: Hello, Democrats. Welcome to California.
John Kerry: How the hell did we get here? All I remember was a thump on my head, and then I woke up here, chained to this podium. What the hell is going on?
Joe Lieberman: Same for me. Except the last thing I remember was sixteen hamsters surrounding me and poking me with sticks.
Howard Dean: I knew this would happen. I knew that some day the hamsters would be more powerful than us.
John Kerry: Oh, shut up, Howie. You're such a downer. They're just hamsters. Here, I can get out of these shackles in no time. I did this in 'Nam.
Joe Lieberman: Where's my cell phone? They took my cell phone! Those little orange bastards--
Al Sharpton: You said "bastard".  Should we put a warning label on you?
Joe Lieberman: Shut up, Al.
Al Sharpton: You shut up.
John Kerry: (Banging shackles against podium) Damned shackles. How the hell could a bunch of hamsters be this good at locking people up? What the hell are hamsters eating these days, anyway?
Joe Lieberman: I've gotta have that phone. If the Wall Street people call and I don't answer, they debit my campaign account.
John Kerry:  (Gives up on shackles, slumps to the floor) Here's hoping the hamsters flushed it down the toilet.
John Edwards: Do you think they'll give us bathroom breaks? My forehead's starting to shine.
Al Sharpton: Shut up, John.
John Edwards: Just because you don't take as much pride in our personal appearance doesn't mean--
Joe Lieberman: No, really. Shut up.
Dick Gephardt: Who's for universal healthcare? Anybody? Anybody?
John Kerry: Did someone just make a noise? I thought I heard something.
John Edwards: It's those damned  hamsters. They're coming after us again. Lord almighty, this is riduculous. I just got this suit. Now there's fifty holes in it. Nibbling little monsters.
Joe Lieberman: In the Bible, it says, "beware the little orange hamsters, as they will kidnap you and take you a warehouse in California against your will."
Bob Graham: No kidding! It really says that?
Joe Lieberman: Absolutely. I wrote it.
Bob Graham: You wrote the Bible?
Joe Lieberman: Yes.
Bob Graham: What about, you know, God?
Joe Lieberman: I am God.
John Kerry: I think we've just had a visit from the Nepoleonic wing of the Democratic party.
John Edwards: Kerry, what the hell are you talking about? Hey-stop tusslin' my hair. That's my goddamned hair.
Pesky: All right, boys,  enough shenanigans. I have brought you all here to ask one question: are you now, or have you ever been, in league with felines?
John Edwards: Don't touch the hair.
Pesky: I'm sorry. It was just so tempting. All right, John, answer the question.
John Edwards: No! Of course not. I mean, we have a pet cat, but I never, ever speak to her about politics.
Dick Gephardt: I never have anything to do with cats. They scare me. I got chased by a cat into the sewer once. I still have nightmares.
Joe Lieberman: I can't see how any one of us is going to get elected if we shut out the cats. We're going to have to reach out to them. There's no other way. And that kittly litter industry has mucho bucks.
Dick Gephardt: Joe, did you just say "mucho bucks"?
Joe Lieberman: Like, totally.
Bob Graham: Well, Pesky--
Al Sharpton: Shut up, Bob. Now let the Reverend Al tell ya what I have to say. This'll take awhile. Have a seat and let the Reverend bring you all up to speed. Yessiree, I knew a cat once, and I--
John Kerry: Shut up, Al. No, Pesky, I am not a cat. Now you tell those hamsters to let me go before my 'Nam buddies come in here and--
John Edwards: Do we get a bathroom break now?

9:05:11 PM