George W. Bush dresses up like Tom Cruise in
"The Color of Money", flies to Vegas in a fighter jet,
loses his shirt to William Bennet

President Bush, riding on the success of his "Top Gun" appearance, decided to emulate his hero, Tom Cruise, in yet another movie Tuesday. Bush dressed up exactly like Cruise in  "The Color of Money" and ordered up another fighter jet, flown by extremely tired Iraq war veteran Captain Simon McPeak. Captain McPeak says Bush was gung ho from the start.

"I was just sleeping in my house after six weeks in the Middle East when President Bush  called me up and said, "Simon!" and I said, "Yessir!" and he said, "I gotta play some pool!" and I said "At 3:00 in the morning, Sir?" and he said "I'm the Commander-in-Chief and I can play pool whenever the hell I want!" and I said, "Yessir!" and he said "Did you say Yasser?" and I said "No, Sir, I said Yessir!" and he said "Well that's good, 'cause I don't like Yasser!" and I said, "Yessir!" and then I had to get outta bed and fly him to Vegas."

The pair arrived in a screetching landing at the Vegas airport, where the President was met by longtime conservative morality icon and ubersnob, William Bennet. Bennet, or "Shifty Bill" as he is known in pool halls, took the President back to a dive just off the strip to show him how to play.

George felt his confidence growing. Bennet gave him all the good tips, and before long Bush was sinking balls right and left. Bennet taught him the most effective ways to cheat, including the SuperSecret Ball Switching Extravaganza. And every once in a while, when he did especially well, Bush would climb on the pool table and do the Bushy Dance of Victory.

Finally, Shifty Bill told Bush he was ready for a tournament. The Luxor was hosting the Nevada Pool Championships, and both Bennet and Bush entered to compete. Bush shone in the first few rounds, knocking off opponents with ease. He did so well, in fact, that he made it through to the final round--where he met his mentor, Shifty Bill.

Bill was ready for action. He'd prepped for the final round by spending an hour at a video poker machine (the little cards flying around on the screen got him all excited). He stepped up to the table and stared down his prodigee.

Bush was ready. Or he thought he was. He thought he couldn't lose, and in his cockiness, placed a bet for 2 million dollars on the table. Shifty Bill smiled like a crocodile. "Sure you want to do that, George? Pride is a Sin, you know."

"Yep, Shifty, I'm sure. I can take you. I'm the President! I'm just like Tom Cruise!"

Tom Cruise, coincidentally staying at the hotel, called his lawyer for a restraining order.

The final round began. At first, George seemed to hold his own, but soon Shifty Bill got the better of him and took him for everything he had. When it was over, Bennet looked at George and said, "Well, I hope you've learned a lesson, little George. Never try to get the better of Shifty Bill in Vegas. I own this town."

Bush stumbled back to the airport, dejected, and Captain McPeak flew him back to Washington under the cover of night. Bush has resolved only to emulate Tom Cruise in his "easier" roles, whatever that means.

6:02:26 AM