Scientists discover subatomic Republicans
resonating to ultrasonic talk radio

Stanford University scientists have isolated what they believe to be trillions of subatomic Republicans resonating to  ultra-ultra-ultrasonic right-wing talk radio. The discovery, which came to Stanford researcher Esther McSpreckles the Hamster as she cleaned her toilet, sheds light on the mysterious forces which have propelled otherwise unqualified Republican candidates into the nation’s highest offices.

“Basically,” explains Dr. McSpreckles, “we found a correlation between the timing of especially shrill right-wing talk radio programs and the movement of the subatomic Republican particles. Upon closer analysis, we determined that the right-wing talk shows produce a second, ultra-ultra-ultrasonic signal, which perfectly resonates the subatomic Republic particles. The higher-pitched the talk show host’s voice, the greater the resonance.  The resonance, in turn, affects the electrical activity of the human brain to such a degree that normally rational human beings vote against their own self-interest. Another unfortunate side effect causes some people to become deathly allergic to the Dixie Chicks.”

Stanford researchers are undecided on whether the talk radio programs intentionally resonate the subatomic particles. “It may just be that this is part of the fabric of the universe, like horse excrement, or stale cheese.”

But the discovery didn’t end there. Astoundingly, Dr. McSpreckles found that Republicans don’t just resonate at the subatomic level. “When one of these talk radio shows broadcasts, we find millions of Republicans across the country moving back and forth in perfect unison, resonating at a multiple of the same frequency as the subatomic particles. Not one of them ever falls out of line. In fact, the movement, though small on an individual level, actually pushes enough air around to affect weather patterns. For instance , we’ve discovered that instances of severe weather tend to occur roughly at the time talk radio hosts are speaking loudest and shrillest, and are more concentrated in parts of the country with the highest percentage of right-wing talk radio listeners.”

Further research into the phenomenon is underway. Those interested in learning more about subatomic Republican resonance are encouraged to write lots of  letters to Stanford University’s Hoover Institute, birthplace of modern neoconservative philosophy. If possible, visit in person, knock on their door, and ask for Dr. McSpreckles the Hamster. When they say no and close the door, knock again. And again. And again.

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7:32:11 AM