In a major step forward in the War on Terror, John Ashcroft today announced to capture of the elusive, enigmatic Unmarked Van. For decades, authorities have pursued The Unmarked Van, collaborator in thousands of heinous crimes.  "This is a truly historic day for victims everywhere," said Ashcroft, wearing a blue fedora for no particular reason. "This van has driven away scott free crime after crime. It's about time we sent it to the crusher."

Children everywhere live in fear of the Unmarked Van, terrified it might come to kidnap them. Terrorists and other evildoers of the shadowy underworld drift silently through the night on its soft rubber tires, peeking through the tiny front windows patched with duct tape, scanning for potential victims.  But perhaps worst of all, the Unmarked Van has been implicated in the sale of thousands of velvet Elvis paintings to vulnerable middle-aged men. The men purchased the paintings from the Van at the side of the road and took them home, only to anger their wives and suffer weeks without sex.

Rise of a criminal mastermind
The Unmarked Van started out innocently enough at a GM factory in Detroit, Michigan. It was destined to carry the tools of a plumber named Ned, and it did so loyally for several years. Ned paid for a splashy logo to be painted across both its sides and bought a spoiler for the roof. Those were golden days for the Van, loved by its plumber and admired by other vehicles far and wide.

But one day Ned the Plumber stopped off at a 7-11 on his way home from work. On a whim, he bought a lottery ticket. That night, after parking the Van and lovingly wiping down its front bumper with a special cloth, Ned relaxed on his couch and watched the lottery drawing on television. He couldn't believe his eyes. He had won fifty million dollars.

The Van knew something was different. Ned drove it fifty miles to the state capitol to cash in the lottery ticket, and then, on the way home, stopped off at an expensive clothing store and bought a ten-thousand-dollar suit. The next day, Ned drove The Van to a porsche dealership and bought a Boxter. The Van, it seemed, was no longer necessary, and Ned left it behind without so much as a passing thought.

The Van sat in the Porsche dealership for weeks, surrounded by precocious, overpriced little German cars who chatted obsessively about David Hasselhoff.  It is during this time that most experts believe The Van lost its faith in the world and turned to a life of crime.

Little is known about the intervening years--known as The Lost Years of The Unmarked Van--but it is believed that in its despair The Van was recruited by the Gotti crime family, painted white, and used to recover debts from the Gottis' "customers".  Its cylinders hardened by the brutality and cruelty of its daily rounds, The Van resolved to strike out on its own and offer its services to a wider variety of ne'er-do-wells.  Early in 2002, after the September 11 attacks, The Van converted to a radical strain of Islam and resolved to assist in a continuing Jihad against the United States.

Setting a trap
FBI officials, fresh from the intelligence failures leading up to September 11, resolved not to let The Unmarked Van continue to slip through their fingers. Finding The Van, agents believed, was core to fighting the War on Terror and safeguarding the hearths and homes and unguarded apple pies of American innocents.

A trap was set. Knowing The Van's affinity for kidnapping, an extremely short FBI agent dressed as a child and stood on a streetcorner near The Van's last known location. She pretended to cry. Sure enough, The Unmarked Van took the bait and quietly pulled up across the street. It then sent out its super-secret Evil Guy Signal, and withn minutes an Evil Guy showed up and tried to entice the little girl into The Unmarked Van.

Agents pounced and arrested The Van, charging it with 50,000 counts of kidnapping, murder, rape and terrorist acts. Agents let the Evil Guy go, knowing he is now impotent without the assistance of The Unmarked Van.  Federal prosecuters are quickly building their case and say they will ask the court for the crush penalty.

7:55:44 AM