The all-new
Fabulous Filth Filter

Yes, that's right, you too can filter your own computer to the government's exacting new standards using the Fabulous Filth Filter! Yesterday's Supreme Court ruling on internet filtering has many Americans asking, "how can I rid myself of filth, just like the libraries?" Well, this is your lucky day! The FFF uses the latest artificial intelligence and latent psychic-binary technologies to remove every speck of filth from your multimedia experience. The FFF can even alter the basic atomic structure of your filth, instantly turning  a DVD of Sex & the City into a flock of little happy bunnies. 

Not enough? There's more! The FFF has a special setting that allows its patented Cyberkinetic Transfiguration Syllogism to manifest itself in physical form and chase down ACTUAL FILTHY LIBRARIANS.  Yes, those naughty little ladies in the big glasses and wool skirts have finally met there match. Flip the switch and the Fabulous Filth Filter washes those dirty vixens as thoroughly as a bag of supermarket lettuce and spits them out as giggly, illiterate blonde virgins.

But wait--IF YOU ACT NOW, you get, free of charge, Dr. Sneakypants Naughtiness Detector.  Just carry this handy little device around everywhere you go, and the minute you're within twenty feet of something naughty, the Naughtiness Detector will inflate and point at the offending person and/or item.  Listen to these happy Naughtiness Detector users!

"Dr. Sneakypants, I am just so very pleased with the Naughtiness Detector. I wore it outside for a few days, and discovered naughty people and naughty thoughts all over the place. Now I stay indoors all day with my curtains drawn, watching PAX TV and the Hallmark Channel. Thanks, Dr. Sneakypants!"  -Philba the Muskrat, Detroit, Michigan

 

"My  niece got a job at the Supreme Court, and I gave her a Naughtiness Detector as a "new job" present. On the first day she discovered that Clarence Thomas was having all sorts of lascivious thoughts for her. So she quit her job and now lives in an isolated cabin somewhere north of Fairbanks, Alaska. Thanks, Dr. Sneakypants!" Belinda the Capybara, Washington, DC.

 

But is that all?

NO, OF COURSE NOT!
THERE'S EVEN MORE!

If you ACT NOW you get absolutely FREE of charge a bonus pack of Plastic Cheap Useless Things. We have absolutely no idea what they do, but we've checked, and they're most definitely not filthy or naughty.

Quick--send 159.95 to Dr. Sneakypants, 555 Sneakypants Way, Stanford, California.

WARNING: Do not use the Fabulous Filth Filter or the Naughtiness Detector if you yourself are in fact Filthy or Naughty. Dr. Sneakypants takes no responsibility for the use of these products in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami, New York, Europe or Brazil. Do not drink alcohol before using the Fabulous Filth Filter. Do not purchase elongated vegetables such as cucumbers or zuchinni after acquiring a Fabulous Filth Filter.  Do not associate with teenagers after acquiring a Fabulous Filth Filter.

7:29:55 AM