Susan the Human, my agent and manager, is in the process of purchasing her first home, a small condominium. During this process, Susan has been learning about mortgages. She  has decided to share her newfound knowledge with other potential home buyers:

"Thanks, Pesky. All right. First thing you need to know about getting a mortgage to buy your first home is that you are nothing but crap.No matter how good you feel about yourself, no matter how stellar your credit, the lender considers you to be nothing but a steaming pile of crap who has dragged him away from a spectacular date with two female golfers. You are a miniscule speck in the financial universe, clearly not worthy of even 30 seconds of his undivided attention. 

The lender will toy with you. He will say, "I know you have amazing credit and are secret heir to the Wal-Mart fortune, but I will not lend you money." 

And you will say, "But why, oh Great Lender, why will you not lend me money?"

And the Great Lender will say, "Because I am speaking to you from a call center at San Quentin State Prison and I am an evil murderer."

And you will ask, "What does that have to do with it?"

And the Great Lender will say, "As I am behind bars, I cannot murder you. But I can toy with your financial future like a cat on a laser pointer." 

And you ask, "Am I the cat or the laser pointer?", and the Great Lender says, "Whohohohohhahahahahahahahahahahacacklecackle".

At which point you must exercise your right to hang up and call back, getting a different sociopath to serve your lending needs. In fact, call the same lender several times. Eventually you will get someone who is mentally incompetent and will lend you money.

Once the Great Lender has agreed to give you money, he will then talk about something called "points". The number of "points" on a loan is exactly equivalent to the number of times you will be pistol-whipped by a cast member of "The Sopranos". Each point you take reduces the monthly payment by an amount so miniscule it can only be detected by specialized electron microscopes at Stanford University.

You are expected to be exceptionally grateful for the opportunity to pay "points", because you are not independently wealthy. and therefore don't have enormous wads of cash lying around to use as a down payment. You are expected to bow before The Points and worship them.  Remember, you are a steaming pile of crap. The fact that a criminal in the San Quentin call center has lowered himself to lending money to you is an extraordinary act of compassion. Grovel appropriately."

Thanks Susan. I can only hope this new condo will not be compatible with snakes.

9:40:15 AM