My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, has managed to acquire a secret Saddam tape that was overlooked by the major media.  Lumpy discovered the tape lodged under a bubble-gum machine in a back alley somewhere in the Middle East.  Here, for the first time anywhere, is an exact translation of the contents of the tape:

Saddam: My fellow Iraqis, it is I, Saddam, your favorite guy. I know I am your favorite guy because you think of me all the time. Don't deny it, you know you do. I am a very, very stylish man. I never wear the same hat.

So, ok, I'm still alive, you know? The evil Bush keeps going after my body doubles. You might think after a while I would run out of body doubles, but I have a body double factory where I clone them in vats. That's the way you gotta do it, you know. In vats.  The Americans cannot find it because I have hidden it in a French restaurant.

Now, I know, you're gonna say I am not really Saddam. You are gonna say, "no way! You're not Saddam! You don't even sound like him!" and I tell you this: I am a man of many voices. Next week I might sound like a fish. In the Arabian Nights, there's a story about a talking fish, and the big lesson of the story is, always listen to a talking fish. You listen to the fish you get rich. So I want you to think of me as your friendly neighborhood talking fish. Ok, where was I going with that...oh yeah, so listen to me, I'm fishy. Or something.

Now the evil Bush says, "Bring 'em on!". And I say, "Ok!"  I have no idea what he means by that. But you just ignore him. You just keep thinking about your old pal Saddam. I am always there for you. Ok, not always. But I am Saddam, so that doesn't matter. I can be there for you, or I might be out on the beach in the Seychelles. Either way it's ok. Did I say Seychelles? No, I mean, er, Brazil. Or Antarctica. Yes, I think I have a strong desire to be in Antarctica. If you are looking for me, I suggest to look there first. Just look for the penguins and turn right. 

(shuffling shounds) Oh! Who are you? What are you doing here?

Second voice: I'm from the CIA, and you're under arrest!
Saddam: Why would you arrest me? I am just an innocent cross-dressing lesbian.
Second voice: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize...you look like Saddam.
Saddam: Of course I do. I am a member of the Cross-Dressing Lesbian Saddams. We're an international organization.
Second voice: Ah jeeez, I always screw up. This is the third time I thought I caught Saddam, and I thought was gonna get a big bonus. I suck at this.
Saddam: This is true. Perhaps you should become a cook or a plumber.
Second voice: Yeah, you're right. I quit. Thanks lady!
Saddam: Just call me Saddam.
Second voice: Hehe. That's funny. Later! (sound of footsteps into the distance).

Saddam: Ok, so nobody needs to worry about me. I can take care of myself. While I'm getting ready to come back and take over and rule you with an iron fist again, I want you to do your best to make the evil Americans miserable. All you've got to do is--

Second voice: I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you SURE you're not Saddam? I mean, you really, really--
Saddam: NO! I AM NOT SADDAM! I AM AN INNOCENT CROSS DRESSING LESBIAN! LEAVE ME NOW OR I WILL HAVE MY EVIL HENCHMEN TORTURE YOU WITH A KITCHEN IMPLEMENT AND BEHEAD YOU!
Second voice: I'm really really sorry. I'm just soooo bad at this.
Saddam: That's ok. You will be a really good plumber. (sound of footseps into the distance).

END OF TAPE

7:33:11 AM