After years of putting up with temper tantrums, high-decibel whining, and astoundingly inappropriate remarks at inopportune times, This Rat has learned that the female relatives of loudmouths Michael Savage, Donald Rumsfeld and Silvio Burlusconi got together and arranged for session in sensitivity training.

The loudmouths refused to participate at first. But through a combination of withheld sex and outright kidnapping, all three ended up in a small, windowless room decorated with bunnies. There they met their Inspirational Speaker, Jenny the Giggly 12-Year-Old Girl. Jenny gave an Inspirational Speech that began this way:

“hehehehe Hi guys! I’m Jenny! And I’m gonna teach you dorkwads a lesson! Hehehehe! Silvio, you look like my Uncle Fred. He’s in prison.  And Mr. Savage? What kind of name is that? Are you like Tarzan or something? And Rumsfeld, don’t even MAKE me talk about your hair. You are soooooooooooo 1987. Hehehehe(snort).”

The three men sucked in their breath and gripped the arms of their chairs.

Far away, in the western desert of Iraq, a single, solitary Weapon of Mass Destruction, orphaned long ago, wandered through an abandoned village. The crescent moon glinted on its metal casing. The Weapon shuffled into an empty coffee shop and seated itself at a table.  A passing gazelle, noticing The Weapon, placed a call on his Gacell phone to the Washington Post. 

Back in the windowless bunny room, Jenny finished her Inspirational Speech. ”…and THAT’s why you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever say nasty things about the Germans right before Christmas. Heheheheheeheeeheehehe(snortsnort).”

Suddenly, in press rooms around the world, The Story broke. “WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION SIGHTED IN IRAQ”.   The three loudmouths, hearing the sound of a distant radio station, jumped out of their chairs and charged back to their respective bully pulpits, where they proceeded to hurl insults at the Germans and other groups of people starting with G.

But such an extraordinary story required something called verification. The word of one Gazelle was not enough, particularly since Gazelles have a tendency to jump to conclusions.  So an intrepid CNN reporter journeyed to the remote corner of Iraq to look for the Weapon. He arrived at sunrise, and saw the Weapon still sitting in the café, just as the Gazelle had described it.

But as the reporter approached, the Weapon shimmered like a silver phallic jello and disappeared. “But it can’t be!” cried the reporter, sinking to his knees. “It can’t be just a mirage!” And with that, the CNN reporter himself shimmered out of existence.

The Gazelle, standing nearby, shook his head. “I need to stop jumping to conclusions.”

6:13:20 AM