President Bush yesterday stunned members of the press by quoting a British intelligence report that links married gay people to weapons of mass destruction.

“I love gay people, I really do,” said the President, “and I mean them all the best. But I have it on very good authority that married gay people in Canada and the Netherlands have attempted to acquire raw uranium from Niger not once, but several times. See, they have a Club Med out there in the Niger plains, and those gay people, they go like they’re on vacation or something, and then they secretly stuff all those uranium cakes into their suitcases, and then they bring ‘em back home, where they watch craft shows on Home and Garden TV that give them STEP BY STEP instructions to assemble their own nuclear weapons.”

Home and Garden Television could not be reached for comment, but several of its programs are known to carry a general tinge of evil.

Married gay people, predictably, deny everything. “Prior to our wedding we fully cooperated with rigorous inspections by Swedish people named Hans,” says Larry the Married Gay Canadian Human Guy, “but obviously now that we’re married, it wouldn’t be appropriate to, er,  continue that sort of thing.”  

Bush says the country cannot afford to allow gay married people to threaten America’s national security. “These gay people, they’re harmless on their own,” the President said, “but you let ‘em hook up and then you’ve got a problem. Remember: single guy at a gay bar, not a problem. Married gay guys buying Volvos, you’re one step away from World War III.”

The American press has already jumped on the story.  Reporters are now relentlessly pursuing a Dutch lesbian couple who were married last year, hoping to catch them smuggling uranium cakes into their small Amsterdam home. So far, reporters have only caught the two planting tulips and garden herbs while listening to Metallica. “It’s just a matter of time,” says Washington Post reporter Jed Spickles, “They baked a pineapple upside-down cake yesterday just to fake us out.”

Citizens are advised to exercise caution when approaching the general vicinity of Canada or any other countries where gay marriage is now legal. In addition, authorities are putting all gay residents of Vermont on the federal “no-fly” list just to be safe. The next step, according to a Bush Administration insider, will be gay internment camps near major metropolitan areas.  “We’ve got to keep track of these people,” says Condi Rice, National security advisor. “We can’t have them running off to the Unitarians and getting married, thereby undermining national security.”  Rice says the camps will be made “as gay as possible” in order to insure gay people are happy in their new homes. “We’ve been consulting sexually insecure heterosexual teenage boys on what constitutes ‘gay’ and they’ve been very helpful. We will be decorating accordingly.”

7:36:54 AM