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Defense Department offers Carly Simon 50k for location of WMDs, Saddam Hussein, Colin Powell In a stunning move, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced today that US intelligence services will be largely replaced by popular singer Carly Simon. “This is going to be a model of efficiency,” said Rumsfeld, “thousands of intelligence employees working for the Defense Department, CIA and military will be replaced by Carly Simon. The cost savings alone will be catastrophic.”
Simon has agreed to divulge earth-shaking secrets for the cost of $50,000 each. She will whisper them directly into Donald Rumsfeld’s ear, a prospect that some experts say poses technical hurdles. A defense department insider put it this way: “Popular musicians—hell, just about anyone who’s the slightest bit popular—can’t stand getting that close to Donald Rumsfeld. He smells funny.”
Simon reportedly gives her secrets in the form of song lyrics. The answer Rumsfeld received to the question of “where are Iraq’s WMDs”, for instance, went this way:
You’re so vain
You probably think this war is about you
Don’t you
Don’t you
You think WMDs grow on trees
Don’t you
Don’t you
But they’re actually hidden neatly under a subway sandwich franchise in central Baghdad and can be unlocked by ordering a sweet onion chicken teriyaki footlong with extra peppers on wheat.
Rumsfeld says he’s already very happy with Simon’s performance. “I asked her where Colin Powell was, and for just $50,000, she told me he was crying under his desk. Fantastic.”
Simon, meanwhile, is adjusting to her new life as America’s premier source of intelligence. “I’ve slept with everybody famous in rock ‘n rolll,” she says, “this will give me the chance to add politiicians and military guys to my resume.” Simon has her very own villa inside the Pentagon, complete with indoor pool and a personal yoga teacher.
7:46:53 AM
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Who
is The Rat? 
Dr.
Sneakypants
Lumpy
the Mongoose
Larry
the Spotted Owl