"Yep, Pesky, this is the real deal. See, previous beliefs that the Ten Commandments had been lost or disintegrated or destroyed turn out to be completely untrue. In fact, the Ten Commandments in front of that Southern courthouse are the genuine article, recovered by intrepid Bush Administration scientists during the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
You see the team of scientists had arrived in the mysterious village of Mzbezbezbezbez in Central Iraq some time ago. The lead scientist, an affable fellow named Lousy Pitcairn, saw an old man sitting on a large box while balancing a peanut on his nose.
The rest of the village was empty. A hot wind blew tiny twisters in the dust. Lousy approached the old man. "Hey there ol’ fella! We’re your American Liberators! We’re here to give you free access to cheaply manufactured Chinese goods at rock-bottom prices! Look, I brought you a Mary Kate & Ashley makeup kit as a peace offering!"
The old man set the peanut on his knee and his deep, dark eyes stared into Lousy’s soul. "I do not want a Mary Kate and Ashley makeup kit," he said softly. A huge gust of wind blew through the village, knocking rusting tin cans together in a melody on the street. The wind rushed toward the old man. He held up his hand and the wind parted around the group.
Lousy rifled through his bag and pulled out a box. "Ok, if you don’t like Mary Kate & Ashley (and I really don’t know why you wouldn’t, they’re cute as two little buttons), I’ve got this!" He pulled out a large plastic Bart Simpson bobbly-head doll.
The old man stood up and walked over to a nearby bush. He pulled out a cigarette lighter and set the bush on fire. A few seconds later, a deep, rich, leisurely voice emanated from a raging fire:
"Hellooooo, Moses. Long time no burn. Heheheheehe. Get it? Long time, no burn. Hehehe."
The old man glanced at Lousy and his compatriots. "I have that, er, problem again."
The bush sent up a puff of black smoke. "Again?"
"Yes. Six of them this time."
Lousy edged over toward the old man and asked, "You’re Moses? THE Moses? I thought you were dead!"
The old man stared at the Bart Simpson bobbly-doll and the Mary Kate & Ashley makeup kit. Suddenly, both objects split in half and dropped to the ground. "Biblical prophets never die, we just sit around in the desert waiting for idiots like you to come along and disturb our carefully constructed peace and quiet." And with a nod of Moses’ head, the burning bush flared up again, and Lousy suddenly found himself on the rotunda of an Alabama courthouse with Moses’ large box and one half of the Bart Simpson bobbly head. The other scientists were nowhere to be found. Curious, Lousy pulled out his pocket knife and sliced open the box.
Inside was a stone monument with what appeared to be the Ten Commandments etched on the top. But when Lousy looked closely at the writing, the letters moved around and swirled like a toilet bowl, finally making a flushing sound before a single sentence appeared in the stone:
"Thou shalt not ever bother Moses while he is balancing a peanut on his blessed nose."
Lousy decided to take that one to heart, and ran home to dull his mind watching home decorating programs on cable television.
A few minutes later, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore came trotting along munching on a bag of Cheetos while whistling the theme from "Caddyshack". He nearly tripped on the stone monument, and stopped to take a look.
The words on the monument swirled around as before and made the flushing sound. A single sentence appeared in the middle of the stone:
"Thou shalt do whatever thou can to make thyself look like the biggest damned idiot on the face of this blessed earth."
Roy dropped his cheetos, looked around, and then ran straight to his lawyer’s office."
Dr.
Sneakypants
Musk
Ox balancing Weapon of Mass Destruction
Who
is The Rat? 
Lumpy
the Mongoose
Larry
the Spotted Owl