The readers have spoken and the winner of the Reader's Choice quiz is Saddam the advice columnist. My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source tracked Saddam down in his undisclosed location, and hired him to answer letters from people desperate for relationship advice. I can assure you this does not violate any laws. However, for the record, my readers are the ones that asked for it.

Ask Saddam!

Hello readers! It is me, Saddam, your favorite guy. I have lots of time right now because I am on vacation from my very, very important job. But this is good for you because now I have time to answer your relationship questions. I am very good at relationships. Once, my daughters and their husbands had relationship problems. So I had the husbands beheaded. No more relationships, no more problems! See? This is why I am your favorite guy. Ok, so now I answer your questions. Here is some of the letters I have been getting.

Dear Saddam,

My wife takes the whole closet. I don’t have anywhere to put my things. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stanley the Human,
New York, New York.

Dear Stanley,

I don’t know what your problem is. You just get your evil henchmen to haul her off to prison, where they torture her until she does whatever you want. It is very easy. Also, make sure the evil henchmen do not scratch your custom marble self-portraits on their way out of the palace. See? Saddam always knows what to do. You just listen to Saddam, and you will be ok. I am your favorite guy, eh?

Your favorite guy,
Saddam

Dear Saddam,

I don’t have any evil henchmen. Where do I get some?

Sincerely,
Stanley the Human
New York, New York

Dear Stanley,

I do not understand. Of course you have evil henchmen. Everybody has evil henchmen. Just go down to your dungeon and look. That is where they hang out. Trust me, I know this. We are buddies, right?

Your favorite guy,
Saddam

Dear Saddam,

I don’t think we are buddies. And I don’t have a dungeon. I live on the 21st floor. I have a garbage chute, though. Does that go to the dungeon?

Sincerely,
Stanley the Human
New York, New York

Dear Stanley,

A garbage chute? Aaaah, yes, I had one of those. So you take your wife, and you stuff her down the garbage chute, and then your evil henchmen are waiting at the other end to, you know, "persuade" her.

Your favorite guy,
Saddam

Dear Saddam,

I love my wife. I don’t want to stuff her down a garbage chute.

Sincerely,
Stanley the Human
New York, New York

Dear Stanley,

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Your favorite guy,
Saddam

So that is the letters I have gotten so far. I am good at this, eh? You like me? Of course you like me. Everybody likes Saddam! I am glad I can help with your relationships. Oh, er, I must now go. My very special friends are here, and because we are playing hide-and-seek (we are such good buddies we love to play games), I must go and hide again.

Love,
Your favorite guy,
Saddam