Attention: the following series of events is currently unfolding in an alternate quantum reality. As a result of an accident in a laboratory at Stanford University, all Mongooses now have the ability to travel between quantum realities simply by blowing their noses.

A sliver of moonlight cast on the floor near George's hand. He froze. All around him, the cool night breeze ebbed and flowed like a river, soothing his sunburnt cheeks. This was his chance. He was going to do it this time. He was going to sneak right on in to Howard Dean's house and plant porn on his PC. Then he was going to file an anonymous tip and have Ashcroft go after him. It would be beautiful. Nobody would know.

It would be so much better than what he tried last time. Attempting to infect every member of Howard Dean's staff with head lice seemed like a good idea, but head lice are notoriously unpredictable, and George was still combing them out of his hair.

George quietly climbed over the Dean family fence. He dropped lightly on his feet. Two annoyed Secret Service agents dropped behind him. "Mr. President, really, this is going waaaaay to far," said one of them sensibly. "Why don't you just steal the election the old fashioned way," said the second one. George smacked him upside the head.

"What the living fuck do you think you're doing?" Said Poopsy the Poodle, Dean campaign advisor and Lap-Dog-in-Chief.

George and the Secret Service agents stopped. Despite the President’s meticulous planning, he had not anticipated that anyone would discover him sneaking in to the compound.

"Why, er, uhm, I’m just helpin’ out in the garden," fumbled George, reaching for a weed.

Poopsy gave a long, slow growl.

One of the Secret Service agents reached for his weapon. Suddenly, the three intruders were surrounded on all sides by dozens of Poopsy clones, sort of like that scene in the last Matrix movie, except with poodles. The President didn’t know what to do, and the Secret Service agents didn’t want to fire on nicely trimmed pink poodles.

The next day, Vice President Arnold Schwarzanegger got the word. The President had been kidnapped by Democratic poodles and dragged off to their lair in an undisclosed location in Vermont. Knowing, as Arnold did, that he could never be President due to a peculiar clause in the US Constitution, and that kidnapping by poodles is one of three circumstances under which the President would be relieved of his duties of office*, he immediately contacted the next in line of succession: Leonardo DiCaprio.

DiCaprio, still brushing the tangles out of his hair after the last scene in "Gangs of New York", accepted the position, promising to jump right in and make a final decision on whether or not to invade Brazil by the end of the week.

*The other two circumstances are:
--irreversable blockage of two White House toilets simultaneously
--demonstrated inability to control a Segway scooter

Pesky the Rat’s HUMANS ARE STUPID
moment of the week

According the TechTV, the technology cable network, American humans are swindled out of $100,000,000 EACH YEAR by those Nigerian spam emails.

Of course, the rodent population never responds to scams like that, proving once again that when it comes to brains, size doesn’t matter.

10:07:34 AM