Perusing Salon Magazine today, I ran into this tidbit about the American general assigned to go after Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein:

"Boykin [the general] has also received some domestic political intel from the Almighty. ‘George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the United States,’ the general once confided to an Oregon congregation. ‘He was appointed by God.’"

Astoundingly, Lumpy the Mongoose has uncovered the original transcript of George Bush's appointment to office by the Almighty. Lumpy?

"Thanks Pesky. Yep, I finally got back from the Mongoose convention in Vegas, and stumbled right into this whopper. It seems that America’s #1 Army intelligence guy has been in PERSONAL CONTACT with the Almighty, who apparently told him that George W. Bush was appointed by God. After a significant amount of rather awkward and uncomfortable research, I was able to acquire this transcript of the conversation between God and Satan that resulted in the appointment of George W. Bush:

Satan (disguised as a cute puppy): Hi God, I’m a cute, fuzzy puppy.
God: No you’re not. You’re Satan.
Satan: Nuh-uh! I’m a cute fuzzy puppy! (Piddles on the carpet) See?
God: I wasn’t born yesterday, Satan. Get to the point. What do you want?
Satan: Uhm, I really, really want you to make George W. Bush the next president.
God: There is no possible way that I will allow that to happen. Pigs will fly before I allow that to happen.
Satan: Ooooooh but I really, really, really want George W. Bush to be the next President. Pretty please? Pretty pretty pretty please?
God: Wait a second. You’re just asking me this to make sure I won’t do it! You’re using reverse psychology! I’m God, for God’s sakes, you don’t think I can see through that?
Satan: I loooooove George. Please make George Presid-
God: Well I think I will!
Satan: Yay! (piddles on the carpet again)
God: Wait a second–maybe this is reverse-reverse psychology. Maybe you’re saying that so I’ll do the opposite which is what you wanted me to do to begin with. Oooooh, you’re a tricky one, Lucifer, but I’m on to you.
Satan: No! I hate George! I want Gore!
God: Wait–that means you want George! Or do you want Gore? Ok, he started with George, and then I do the opposite, but that’s what he wants, so I do the opposite, which brings me back to--
Satan: Yeah–I mean no–I mean–
God: Oh, hell, George it is. I’m not gonna let you trick me again, Satan. That Reagan guy and that first Bush guy were bad enough, and I’m not going to let you slip another one by me. You’re getting George whether you want him or not.
Satan: ooooh nooo. Not that. Anything but that. (piddles).
God: It’s settled then. I hereby proclaim George W. Bush to be President of the United states.
Election Angel: (trumpets blaring) But God! We’ve already given Gore 500,000 more votes!
God: Damnit.Figure something out.
Election Angel: (trumpets blaring) Oh Lord, this is gonna be messy.

Er, thanks Lumpy. I have no idea how you get this stuff.

7:19:33 AM