My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, has chased down this absolutely unbelievable story out of Washington, Lumpy?

"Yep, you’re right Pesky, this one’s out in left field and over the fence. But I swear it’s true, on my round, firm, mongoose butt.

President Bush was mini-golfing in the Oval Office when Donald Rumsfeld came running in at top speed and said, "Holy shit! Holy shit! I fucked up in Iraq!"

The President sank his putt and looked at Rumsfeld sternly. "You told me everything was just fine."

"Oh yeah! Just fine! Everything’s just fine!"

Rumsfeld flew out of the Oval Office and down the back steps into the Rose Garden. Desperately, he fumbled around in the rose bushes until he found the "Hillary" bush. He pressed a cleverly concealed button at the base of the bush, and the bush flipped over, revealing a secret door. Rumsfeld opened the door and proceeded down a mysterious flight of stairs.

After stepping down the stairs for twenty minutes, Rumsfeld found himself in a dimly lit room. At one end was a large golden throne with a female figure shrouded in mist.

"Are you Hillary?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Perhaps," said the figure.

"Can you help me un-fuck Iraq?"

"That depends," said the figure.

"Really? So there’s a chance? Even a teeensy-eeeeensy-weeeensy chance?"

"There is a chance that Karl Rove will one day be thin. There is a chance of everything."

"Oh, Hillary, I would be so grateful if you could use your powers to make my problems just, you know, go away."

The figure rose from the throne. "I will tell you how to un-fuck Iraq, but on one condition: you must complete three tasks. Each task is harder than the last. If you fail any of the tasks, you will spontaneously transform into a bar of soap."

Rumsfeld slobbered a bit and then groveled, "ooooooh, thank you! Thank you! I’ll do anything!"

The figure handed Rumsfeld a scroll. "Your tasks are listed in this scroll. Now be gone!" The figure disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Rumsfeld climbed back up the stairs and closed the Hillary bush. He unrolled the scroll. It said:

Task #1: Seek the Golden Fleece. Likely to be found in Trent Lott’s office.

Task #2: Travel to outer Patagonia and find an old women who has three hairs. Steal one.

Task #3: Travel to Baghdad and find a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Rumsfeld got to work. The Golden Fleece was exactly where the scroll said, in Trent Lott’s office, right next to several priceless Iraqi antiquities. The old woman in Patagonia had three hairs, and she put up quite a fight, but he managed to steal one.

Finally, he flew to Iraq. He looked and looked and looked and looked and looked and looked and then he looked some more. He turned over rocks. He interrogated goats. He bribed camels for information. He used a quarter to scratch the instant-win tickets at the army base McDonald’s. No luck.

Dejected, Rumsfeld returned to Washington and decided to plead for mercy. He opened the Hillary bush and trudged down the stairs. The mysterious woman sat in the golden throne and looked at him suspiciously.

"Why have you returned without completing the third task?" she asked, her voice reverberating through the chamber.

Rumsfeld shook. "I looked and looked and looked but I couldn’t find it. I’m sooooooo sorry. Please have mercy on me."

The next morning, Secret Service Agent Bob, while on patrol in the Rose Garden, found a bar of Irish Spring impaled on a rosebush. He took it home and used it to wash his dog.

7:55:08 AM