President Bush, accompanied by ten male lawmakers, signed legislation today aimed at combatting ambiguous and inexplicable feminine products.

The bill, long desired by Congressional men, prohibits the manufacture and sale of douches, tampons, cleansing waters, "The Sponge", spermicide, anything with "wings", and minimizing bras. Legislators drafted the bill to allow for the addition of additional products at the President’s discretion.

"This is a liberating day for American women," said Senator Bill Frist, "No longer will they have to worry about their devoted husbands giving them puzzled looks in the drugstore."

The legislation was nicknamed "Ted’s Law", after the particularly gruesome story of Ted Smithers of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Ted’s girlfriend, Annie Bratwurst, had given him a shopping list and sent him to a nearby supermarket. After picking up several food items, Ted came to a mysterious series of items on his list:

1 pack Always with Flexi-Wings

1 bottle Cleansing Zephyr (NOT Cleansing Breeze, which is a cheap knockoff and burns like &%^@*)

Ted froze in his tracks. One pack of what? It didn’t say! It just said "Always with Flexi-Wings". But what is always supposed to have flexi-wings? And what is a Flexi-wing? Aren’t wings naturally flexible? And what did his dear, sweet, innocent girlfriend want to do with that zephyr?

He decided to ask a checker. "Excuse me," said Ted, "But could you tell me what products you have with Flexi-Wings?"

The checker responded, "I was layed off six months ago from a high-paying job in the information technology industry. I am a bitter, crumbling shell of my former self. I scoff at your question and refuse to offer you assistance. Remove yourself before I activate the killer Chia Pets on aisle six."

Ted, quivering, backed away from the crumbling checker and retreated to aisle five, where he tripped and knocked over a massive tampon display. He was never seen or heard from again.

To prevent future tragedies of this nature, courageous male legislators drafted Ted’s Law. Not only will the law ban women from purchasing most feminine products, but it will also prevent them from talking about female body parts that men find offensive (this essentially means that women are only allowed to talk about their own breasts, and must do so in the company of men, while slathering themselves in coconut oil).

Representative Nancy Pelosi protested the bill, saying it infringes on the rights of women. However, she was not allowed into the White House signing ceremony and was required by the Secret Service to lodge her protest from an isolated region of Devil’s Tower National Monument in Wyoming. While there, Pelosi observed the landing of an alien spacecraft. After a short conversation with the aliens, Pelosi shrugged, boarded the craft, and, like Ted, hasn’t been seen since.

White House officials say that the President is especially proud of Ted’s Bill, and that further bills may follow suit. Specifically, the President would like to see a ban on "chick flicks", as he was deeply traumatized several years ago by an unexpected viewing of "Beaches".

6:55:53 AM