There’s been a lot of controversy about these new touchscreen voting machines, which some people say may have already stolen an election or two. You see, there’s just no way to make sure that the votes that go in are, in a nutshell, the votes that go out. So I decided to get down to business and have a chat with somebody who really knows what’s going on: Debbie the Touchscreen Voting Machine.

I caught up with Debbie down in a dive bar in North Beach in San Francisco. Here’s how it went.

Pesky: Debbie, first of all I’d like to thank you for taking the time to talk with me. Not very many touch screen voting machines are willing to talk to the press these days.
Debbie: Yes, well, we like to play hard to get.
Pesky: So, what do you make of these people who say touch screen voting machines such as yourself aren’t secure?
Debbie: *giggle*
Pesky: Oh, come on Debbie, don’t be coy. Just tell us. You’ve got nothing to hide, right?
Debbie: *giggle* You’re such a cutie-mouse, Pesky. You turn me on.
Pesky: Actually, I’m a rat. I’m 5 times the size of a mouse.
Debbie: Oooooh, I bet you are!
Pesky: Back to the question, Debbie. When you help people vote on election day, are their votes secure?
Debbie: Hey, Sweetie, sometimes you gotta take a walk on the WILD side.
Pesky: That’s not very reassuring.
Debbie: People don’t touch my smooth, sexy, silky screen to be reassured, Cutie-mouse. They touch me because they’re excited about doing their duty. *giggle*
Pesky: You know Debbie, you sound a bit, er, risque.
Debbie: Hey, Sweetycakes, you don’t know the half of it. I’m in pictures. Wanna see my latest flick? (hands Pesky a DVD)
Pesky: Debbie Does Diebold? You’re a touchscreen voting machine PORN actress?
Debbie: I also fulfill men’s personal fantasies by the hour. $200. Interested? I’ll give you a mousy-wousy discount. $100.
Pesky: I’m a rat, not a mouse. Hold on–you’re a prostitute?
Debbie: Oh, you bet. I get all the best Johns, too. Heidi Fleiss helped me get set up.
Pesky: This is outrageous! We can’t have the mechanisms of our democracy in the hands of prostitutes! Anybody could just come along–
Debbie: -and they do–
Pesky: –and compromise an election! How will we know who really won?
Debbie: *giggle* You’re chances are better if you take this tiny little pill. *giggle*
Pesky: Oh good lord.

8:18:19 AM