I’ve gotten some requests for the return of Tippy the Libertarian Cow, who first appeared early last year. Tippy has the nasty habit of tipping over whenever somebody mentions Federal income taxes. Unfortunately, this happened so often when Tippy came to visit that she decided to boycott us here at The Rat, but I managed to persuade her to come back and join us by bribing her with a truck full of questionable cattle feed. Today Tippy uses her spectacular interviewing skills to chat with Howard Dean, the man who continues to piss off all the other men who would be President. Here’s how it went:

Tippy: Welcome, Howard. So nice of you to join us.

Howard: Well thanks, Tippy. CNN sure does have, er, rustic accommodations these days, eh? What is this, budget cuts?

Tippy: CNN? What–oh, yeah! CNN! Yeah! Yeah, lots of budget cuts, Howard. You know how it is. The economy and all.

Howard: That’s for sure, Tippy. And I’ve got a plan to get America back on its feet again.

Tippy: Speaking of feet, Howard, I’ve got to ask you a question: what happened to your neck?

Howard: My neck?

Tippy: You have no discernable neck.

Howard: I do too! I do too have a discernable neck!

Tippy: Nope, no neck. No neck at all.

Howard: Oh God almighty, I always wanted a neck. How will I ever get a neck of my own?? (sob sob sob).

Tippy: Well, I hear that Joe Lieberman is looking for humility, and John Kerry is looking for that hairdresser from Queer Eye for a Straight Guy. Maybe you could all get together and fly to Seattle and ask Bill Gates to help you.

Howard: You know, you’re not a very nice cow.

Tippy: Well I don’t know what would make you say that.

Howard: You’re not like the nice cows we have up in Vermont. They make Ben n’ Jerry’s ice cream. Comes right out of their udders.

Tippy: No it doesn’t.

Howard: Yes it does. And I don’t think you work for CNN. I think you made that up.

Tippy: Er, No I didn’t.

Howard: Yes you did.

Tippy: No I didn’t!

Howard: I’m a doctor, Tippy, I can tell when people are lying. I’ve seen them naked.

Tippy: You can? You did? No! Of course not! You’re making that up!

Howard: Tippy?

Tippy: No! Don’t do it! I can make chocolate eclairs shoot out of my udders!

Howard: What do you think about–

Tippy: We could do a fundraiser! Ten bucks an eclair! Eclairs for Dean! Straight from the udder! We could get pledges for distance! I can do a good thirty feet!

Howard: --FEDERAL INCOME TAXES?

*Thwunk*

Tippy: Damnit! Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit! Moo.

7:49:12 AM