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DR. SNEAKYPANTS PRESENTS: Are you President of the United States?
Are you about to run for Re-Election?*
Are you a hot-tempered idiot who likes to invade other countries without provocation?
Is your most likely opponent a likeable doctor from the adorable state of Vermont?
Don’t despair! All you need is...
THE PHLEMINATOR!!
Yes! Dr. Sneakypants’ Fabulous Phleminator is the latest must-have product for every savvy politician! Worried your opponent might do photo-ops with maple syrup farmers? Never fear! The Fabulous Phleminator ANNHIALATES the likeability of your opponent in NO TIME AT ALL!
Just start up the FABULOUS PHLEMINATOR, add our special secret gel, rub vigorously, and
Oila!*
That charming guy from Vermont turns into a
PHLEM-SPEWING MONSTER!
--He loses his temper and OPENLY DISAGREES with you, rendering him UNELECTABLE!
–He GRIMACES ODDLY when in front of a camera!
–He loses his natural ability to recite Bible verses accurately!
–To other members of his own party, he appears to be a GIANT RAW PIECE OF MEAT!
Oh yes. You know you need it. You know you want it. You want to buy it and roll around in bed with it before using it on your potential nemesis! You want to try it out on your former Treasury Secretary!
Well, NOW YOU CAN!!
Just $3,999,999,999,999
Payable in monthly installments billed surreptitiously to NASA.
Just write "Mission to Mars" on the checks.
Caution: Do not use the Fabulous Phleminator in the presence of Hillary Clinton, as she knows a special jujitsu which could hose you in ways you have never been hosed before. Do not add water. Do not mix with MAO inhibitors. Do not rub the Fabulous Phleminator directly on your person. Do not lovingly admire the Fabulous Phleminator for more than six hours at a time, as ambient phlemination is possible. Requires two cylinders of processed plutonium, not included.
*Or election for the first time, as the case may be.
*Or however the fuck you spell that.
7:51:00 AM
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Who
is The Rat? 
Lumpy
the Mongoose
Larry
the Spotted Owl