By Wilber E. Screeeeeeecherooni (PTR) – Well, well, well. I must admit I never thought I’d grace the pages of a rodent blog, but I suppose we all have to reach out a bit these days, you know, to the little people. I am, as introduced, Professor Screeeeecheroooni, and I have dedicated my life to expounding the principles of feline economics. I’m sure you've all heard of my various awards, including the Mewlitzer Prize and the Fluffy Sparkly Dangly Medal of Distraction. I am exceptionally well qualified, and you are now in excellent paws.

Ahem. Well. Let’s start by taking a question selected completely at random from my endless bag of fan mail:

Helooo Professor. I am a house mouse and I live in New Mexico. I think you are the handsomest cat I ever did see. You make me squeak like a pinky. Can you tell me why it’s ok that I’m unemployed and aimlessly wandering the garbage piles looking for used movie theater popcorn?

Love, Bob the Mouse
Albuquerque

Happy to help, Bob, happy to help. First of all, let’s review the core principle of feline economics:

We must keep this in mind when analyzing your situation. You, Bob, are a mouse, and therefore, you are not a cat. If you were a cat, you would not be a mouse, but in fact you are a mouse and not a cat. You are not only a mouse, you are mouse-like. You have no cat-like features of any kind. We meow, you squeak. So, what are the consequences of a non-cat’s employment situation within our economic system?

Zilch, my boy. Zilch. The only purpose you have is to benefit cats, and you don’t need any sort of job to do that. Just walk out onto a street corner, rub catnip all over your torso, and wait.

Let’s take another question from a loyal and devoted fan. This one is so in love with me she came down here to the blog to ask me in person:

Howdy professor! My name is Lucy. I am a small kangaroo rat with a dangly tail who likes to jump around erratically with sudden bursts of speed. I’m upset that my employer doesn’t pay me a living wage. What do you think I should do?

Excuse me for a moment.

*screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!! Squeeeeeeeeak! Meoooooow–squeeeak—meow—GULP.*

Yes, well, where were we? Yes. A living wage, eh? Well that doesn’t seem quite so important anymore, does it? No, didn’t think so.

You see, my dear, loyal readers, what is so wonderful about the field of Feline Economics is its simplicity. We do not attempt wildly complex theories, taking into consideration gross national product, trade imbalances, and other such nonsense. We understand that the only concern is what is of benefit to cats. This allows feline economists such as myself to spend less than twenty minutes a day thinking about economics, and the rest of the day napping. Although occasionally we will cease napping long enough to enter a nearby kitchen, silently sneak underfoot, and trip our favorite human headfirst into the garbage can.

The basic equation governing feline economics is derived from the following:

As you can see, the right side of the equation includes all things not of general interest to cats. The left side of the equation contains all things of benefit to cats. One simply scratches off the right side of the equation, draws a little smiley face, and voila! Feline Equilibrium. You have the rock-solid basis of one of the most influential economic theories of our time:

7:51:49 AM