Yes, you’ve waited a long time for this one. Dr. Sneakypants, the world-renowned rodent scientist who brought you the Fabulous Furbalizer and the Fabulous Fibulizer now brings you the ultimate in electoral manipulation convenience:

The Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor!

Have an election coming up? Not sure of your chances?

NEVER FEAR! Dr. SNEAKYPANTS IS ALWAYS NEAR!

The electoral enactor is based on a little-known Newtonian concept called “Electropy”. Electropy is the net force created by the forward momentum of sixteen hamsters reaching for a can of beer inside an electronic voting machine.  Under certain circumstances, the location of the beer can may be altered, thereby changing the direction of the hamsters, in turn effectively manipulating the outcome of a given election.

BUT DR.SNEAKYPANTS! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

HAMSTERS DON’T EVEN LIKE BEER!

Oh yes they do—when it’s laced with Hamsternip™, the brand new lifestyle herb for discerning hamsters! One pinch of Hamsternip™, and a can of low-end light beer becomes irresistible to even the most sophisticated hamster palette.*

*May cause sudden increase in appetite. Limit use near expensive furniture.

BUT HOW DOES IT WORK?

HOW DO WE CHANGE THE LOCATION OF THE BEER?

PLEASE TELL US, DR. SNEAKYPANTS!

That’s where  the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor comes in! You just place the EEEE dead-center in the middle of a voting precinct, and activate the protruding niggler. Almost immediately the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor begins to enlarge. As it expands, its gravitational pull increases until it tugs specifically at the beer cans.

WHY? WHY DOES IT TUG SPECIFICALLY AT THE BEER CANS?? WE MUST KNOW!!

Because the molecular structure of beer exactly resonates with Graviton Elector Waves! At the subatomic level, tiny beer particles are being passed around in tiny atomic sports bars. Subatomic sports fans, their better judgment compromised by the steady, seductive rhythm of Graviton Elector Waves emanating from the engorged Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor, spend hours cheering in unison for Florida expansion teams.  This resonance redistributes the Graviton Elector Waves in the shape of a bushel of hops, and pulls the tiny beer bellies of the subatomic sports fans inexorably ever closer to the EEEE.

DON’T WAIT! YOUR OPPONENT HAS ALREADY PURCHASED THE EVER-EXPANDING ELECTORAL ENACTOR!

YOU WILL LOSE IF YOU DON’T BUY NOW!

Financing available. Only $1,600,000,000 in ten easy monthly installments. And now, for your convenience, debit payments are available directly from the United States Treasury.

Caution: Do not use the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor inside a small phone booth. The Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor is not effective Utah, where most subatomic sports fans are Mormon and eat large quantities of Jello instead of drinking beer. Do not operate the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor around a Midwestern “Hot Dish” or a deep-fried Louisiana turkey, as both contain unsually strong gravitational fields and may cause unexpected results in the presence of a fully engorged EEEE.  Do not mock the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor. Do not use in combination with Sildenafil Citrate.

7:41:09 AM