In which the Bush Administration’s foreign policy is discovered to be based entirely on the contents of a convenience store in central Texas.

Scene 1 

Voiceover: One fateful day, the world changed forever.

Creepy music followed by slow cymbals.

George W. Bush never thought he’d be anything more than a normal President. Every day, his servants put his pants on one leg at a time and he ate just the usual amount of caviar. Then, suddenly, while vacationing at his ranch in Texas, he had a sudden urge for oversalted meat byproducts. He crawled through the brush to evade his guards and found his way to a nearby 7-11. There, under the sparkling lights of a nearby oil rig and the glowing red Slurpee machine, he had a Vision From God.

Fade in

Close-up of George W. Bush sucking on a pretzel.

George begins to choke on the pretzel. Fade to black.

Muddy images of convenience store products swirling in lush purple tapioca pudding. A bag of sunflower seeds collides with a stick of extra-spicy beef jerky. A shower of sparks ensues in slow motion. 

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky: Bless you, my son. I am the Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus.

George: Holy shit!

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: Yes, my son, you are correct. Beef jerky is in fact made out of goat feces mixed with the hair of feral pigs. You are a wise and handsome man.

George: I always knew that. I mean, Mom didn’t always say it, but I always knew it—

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: SILENCE! Do not interrupt. It disturbs the sunflower seeds.

Sunflower seeds rumble aggressively in their bag.

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: Now listen very carefully, George. Very carefully.

George: Oh yes! I’ve been waiting for this all my life!

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: Someday someone will ask you if you have a FOREIGN POLICY.

George: Yes? Will they? And what do I do then, Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus? What do I do then?

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: You will submerge your head in The Great Slushee Machine. You will remain submerged for ten minutes, until your head is numb.  Then you will drink 32 ounces of Mountain Dew.  Once you have done this, all policies will be FOREIGN to you.

George: Oh thank you! Thank you Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus! I was so worried I’d have to read a book or something!

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: It would be best if you didn’t go around reading any “books”.

George: Sure thing! I love Slushees!

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: Of course you do, my son. We all do.

Fade to image of Michael Moore driving ice cream truck around Houston.

Michael Moore (via loudspeaker): WHY THE FUCK ARE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE STILL VOTING FOR THIS TOOL! WHY THE FUCK!! I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! YOU MIGHT AS WELL VOTE FOR YOUR OWN DISCARDED FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS! YOU MIGHT AS WELL VOTE FOR A VACUUM CLEANER! IT WOULD SUCK LESS! ARE ANY OF YOUR PEOPLE LISTENING TO ME????

Stick of beef jerky appears suspended in mid-air above Michael Moore’s head. Sunflower seeds rumble threateningly in a bag nearby. He slams on the brakes.

Extra-Spicy Beef Jerky of Jesus: Helloooooo Michael.

Michael Moore: Holy fuck.

8:29:39 AM