Your Department of Homeland Security is ALWAYS looking out for you!

That’s right, we’ve gathered all the latest technology  and anti-terrorism expertise available to the Bush Administration and combined them all together in one massive new agency, The Department of Homeland Security.  Thousands of secret agents, computer geeks, and recently hired airport security workers all glued together like a giant wad of used bubblegum, ready to stick it to those darned terrorists at any moment.

The cornerstone of our new super-vigilant high-technology advanced-surveillance strategy is none other than ED THE TERRORIST-DETECTING PIG.

That’s right! Much to the envy of other nations, your Uncle Sam has purchased, for the sum of nine useless beans*, the services of ED THE TERRORIST-DETECTING PIG, a reclusive genius from the deepest wilds of the Oakland Hills in exotic Northern California. Ed has the ability to detect terrorist threats entirely by his most excellent and exceptionally handsome nose.

Your safety is OUR PRIORITY at the Department of Homeland Security. We spare no expense. ED THE TERRORIST-DETECTING PIG dines on only the finest caviar and enjoys his own personal masseuse.

Periodically this fall ED THE TERRORIST-DETECTING PIG will alert you to the latest terrorist threats, conveniently timed to push terrorist-loving Democratic campaign events out of the headlines.  Ed has an uncanny ability to detect the absolute most recent possible threat in the most specific possible way. Here is Ed’s TERRORIST WARNING for today:

Citizens of Troy are advised to be on the lookout for amorous Greek-looking people who may or may not be armed. Attack may be imminent.

As this information is so up-to-the minute and disturbing, we at the Department of Homeland Security have raised the threat level to ORANGE.  Orange is Ed’s favorite color, and when we switch over to orange it makes him feel better.

ED THE TERRORIST-DETECTING PIG:

PROTECTING AMERICA, ONE SNORT AT A TIME

*Some scientists believe these beans may contain exact directions to the location of Osama Bin Laden. These scientists have been fired and are now busy writing tell-all books about our incompetence that will be largely ignored by the media.

8:14:37 AM