By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) – Faced with sagging poll numbers, the Bush campaign has resorted to recruiting from the scientific community to craft a new, decisively unfuckable strategy.

A few weeks ago, in Washington, Bush advisor Karl Rove the Cat met with a team of scientists recently furloughed from Los Alamos National Laboratory after minor incident involving misplacement of six small-scale atom bombs and an improperly stored plasma torch.  Our fantastic new Anonymous Source, Speck the Fly, was ensconced on the wall of the meeting room and captured the whole conversation exclusively for Pesky the Rat readers.

Karl Rove: All right boys, you owe me. I got you outta that mess down in Los Alamos. Wasn’t easy. Had to bribe everybody with destop gyroscope toys.

Scientist #1: Oh yeah, Dick, we do appreciate it. Yep, we sure do. Love those gyroscopes.

Scientist #2: I personally liked the naked pics of Hillary Clinton—

Karl Rove: Yes, well, we’re glad to have you all on board. Now, here’s the challenge: determine a scientifically unfuckable election strategy for my little friend George and I. Think you can do it?

Scientist #2: Will we get more naked pics of Hill—

Karl Rove: Whatever you want.  Now get to work.

Several weeks went by. One morning, Karl Rove climbed down the stairs to the White House sub basement, where the scientists were busily working in their secret lab. 

Karl Rove: So, what have you got?

Scientist #1: We’ve done it!

Scientist #2: Oh yes we have!

Scientist #3: We didn’t think we could—

Scientist #4: There being limitations on the amount of energy in the known universe and all—

Scientist #2:  But we discovered some previously undiscovered properties in snot, and now we’ve got the whole thing locked up!

Scientist #1:  Snot is a wonderful thing.

Scientist #2: *snurfle*

Karl Rove:  Let’s get down to business, boys. What have you cooked up?

Scientist #1: Well, see, boss, this is how it works: Thousands of miles below the surface of the earth, a molten core of snot—

Karl Rove: A molten core of snot?

Scientist #2: Don’t argue with #1. He knows his snot.

Scientist #1:  Yes. Thousands of miles below the surface of the earth, a molten core of snot rotates in the exact direction of the Primal Sneeze, an event 80,000 years ago involving the expulsion of Primal Snot from Krakatoa.  This rotation generates a powerful field known as the Nebulous Olfactory Snot Expression, which in turn influences the directional orientation of kleenex molecules.

Karl Rove: Get to the fucking point.

Scientist #1:  It turns out that kleenex molecules are remarkably similar to the molecules in paper voting ballots, which are still used throughout most of the country.  We have found that by manipulating the direction and flow of the molten snot in the earth’s core, we can manipulate the behavior of the ballots. If the snot is rotating in the direction of the Primal Sneeze, the ballots work normally and record voters’ intent. But if the direction of the snot is reversed by our revolutionary new invention, the N.O.S.E. field inverts, and all votes go the least qualified candidate.

Scientist #2: So this means---

Scientist #3: That not only do you get Bush for President—

Scientist #1: You get Alan Keyes for Senator of Illinois!

Karl Rove: And this is unfuckable? There is no possible way my boy George can fuck this up?

Scientist #2: Absolutely unfuckable.

Scientist #3: The Unfuckability Quotient for this strategy is 1.32.

Karl Rove: Is that good?

Scientist #3: Unfuckably good.

Scientist #1: Unless…

Karl Rove: Unless what? I asked for unfuckable!

Scientist #2: Well, nothing is 100% unfuckable. If, for instance, a candidate even less qualified that George W. Bush were to enter the race….

Scientist #3: Which is of course ridiculous. How on earth could that happen. Such a person wouldn’t even be able to get themselves on the ballot without substantial help.

Scientist #1: Absolutely. Substantial help. Fucking impossible. He would have to have never served in public office and spent the last ten years of his life immersed in some sort of personal messiah complex, and then enlist the help of people who have no intention of actually voting for him to get him on the ballot.

Karl Rove: Oh fuck.

7:03:45 AM