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Cheney threatens to attack America if Kerry wins By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) – Vice President Dick Cheney, apparently frustrated after months on a low-carb diet with no success, has threatened to attack America if John Kerry wins in November.
The Vice President, speaking to his usual audience of timid shut-ins, spoke passionately. “We’ve got to make the right choice. Because if we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that I’ll sit again, and I’ll sit in a way that will be devastating."
Horrified election-watchers say that extra-chubby Cheney is threatening to do nothing less than sit on America. The last time this happened was during the first Gulf War, when Cheney was plagued by a repeated case of the boils, and took out his frustrations on the former Rocky Mountain paradise of Nebraska.
Candidate John Kerry was quick to condemn Cheney’s speech as over-the-top. “It is unacceptable that Dick Cheney should threaten America with that enormous ass of his,” said Kerry. “And if he doesn’t stop I am going to cease using hair spray.”
Reporters standing near Kerry shuddered. Kerry’s hair had come out of complete hair spray control (CHSC) only once before, during his testimony in front of Congress after returning home from service in Vietnam. It is believed that the pressure waves generated by Kerry’s hair may have been the decisive factor in ending the Vietnam war.
Meanwhile, Colorado tourism officials vowed to fight to the death if Cheney should make good on his threat. “He already sat on the eastern part of the state,” said Rumples D. Pointyfellow, state tourism czar. “Now it’s all flat as a pancake. And our Sixteeners all turned into Fourteeners. It was a bitch changing all the maps.”
7:06:45 AM
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