The following is a transcript of today’s press conference with the new White House spokesman, former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf:

InfoMin: Good morning happy American people. I will now update you on the latest developments in Iraq. Ok. Everything is JUST FINE. We are MAKING PROGRESS. Yes. LOTS OF PROGRESS. Happy Iraqi people are dancing in the streets while the brave and courageous Mr. Bush leads his soldier into battle with the desparate ones who wish to elect the evil Kerry.

Phil the Reporter: Uhm, isn’t that just a pile of shit? I mean, none of that stuff is true.

Joe the Reporter: Shhhhhh! The Information Minister will shun you if you question him.

Phil the Reporter: Oh, goodness, I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks, Joe. I just don’t know what got into me. Hey there, Minister, I was just kidding on that one.

InfoMin: You are such a kidder! So funny! I laugh a thousand laughs. Now I must tell you, if you are ever not kidding, I may have you dragged into the basement and artificially elongate your neck.

Phil the Reporter: Oh, sure, and I’d deserve it too!

Joe the Reporter: Atta boy, Phil!

InfoMin: Ok, so here is my update on the situation in Fallujah. So, everything is fine! All the American troops are happily patrolling the streets and the happy and grateful Iraqis are casually slurping ice cream while industriously rebuilding their not-too-badly-damaged homes, just like in that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition show on television! Everybody gets $3000 stainless steel gas ranges! It is a very happy thing!

Phil the Reporter: Oh, damn it, I just don’t think I can swallow that, Minister. I mean, I’m really trying, but that’s a bit much. I don’t think I can print that. I think even the boys at FOX would have trouble with that one.

Joe the Reporter: I work at FOX, and I have no problem with it!

InfoMin: Bless you, my son.

Phil the Reporter: Oh, come on guys, that’s preposterous. You can’t possibly buy that.

Joe the Reporter: I buy it! Hell, I’ll write the check right now!

Phil the Reporter: Yeah, well, we have some standards. I’ll have to do some fact checking on that one. I’ll be right back. *scurries off*

InfoMin: Joe, I am concerned about your friend. He does not seem as happy as he should be.

Joe the Reporter: Oh, you’ve just got to give him a chance, Minister—

*Phil returns in a clatter*

Phil the reporter: Ha! I was right! It’s way too fucking hot over there for ice cream! I’ll print the rest, but I caught you on that ice cream bullshit. Nothing gets past me.

InfoMin: I am so very busted.

Joe the Reporter: Hey, Minister, can you tell us about how our President single-handedly saved twenty Iraqi orphans from Al Queada with nothing but his bare, bulging, muscular arms? Could you tell us about that again? And do you maybe have pictures this time?

InfoMin: Of course. No request is too much from my friends in the press.  I am the Information Minister. Any time you need information, you come to me, eh! All right, do you want 8 by 10 glossy, or the Playgirl edition?

6:47:51 AM