By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) -- As per usual, we here at Pesky the Rat have uncovered a portion of the Presidential Debates that was mysteriously deleted by the major networks:

Kerry: …And as you can see, my plan for Iraq is comprehensive, well-thought-out, and does not involve any of this fucking up business.

Moderator: Mr. President, same question.

Bush:  Well let me tell you, we’re at the top of this mountain, see, and then down there at the bottom there’s this Valley of Peace, see, and down there in the Valley of Peace is this farmer, and he has this amazing farting cow, and this amazing farting cow is going to power that big ol’ rocketship to Mars I was talking about a while back, and then when they get there, they’ll turn the cow upside-down and light a match and it’ll light the whole place up nice an’ bright, an--

Technician 1: Oh, hang on, something’s wrong—

Technician 2: Damnit, I knew we shouldn’t have used Windows. I wanted UNIX, but old Fred down in purchasing got that fucking deal with Microsoft—

Technician 2: --Microsoft is the fucking spawn of satan—

Technician 1: --Oh, don’t I know it, and now look, he’s picked up a virus. Oh that’s just great. I knew we should’ve taken Service Pack 2. I wanted to wait, you know, just to make sure it was safe, you know—

Kerry: Eh, what exactly is going on here?

Technician 2: Nothing! Nothing at all! Just step to the side for a moment, Senator, while I swap out the Presidential hard drive. No! I didn’t say that! I meant, dust off the President’s lovely jacket! Yes! That’s it! There, doesn’t he look nice? All right then, go ahead, nothing to see here.

Bush: *makes pretty musical sound* I’ll be just a moment…

Kerry: This is highly unusual.

Bush: …just another moment…

Kerry: He’s a little slow tonight, isn’t he?

Bush: …loading bullshit drivers…

Kerry: What?

Technician 1: My goodness, there seems to be something terribly wrong with the microphone. Let me just give it a kick. *thwack* There, that’s better.

Bush: Oh, all right, sorry about that! Really, everything’s just fine. So as I was saying,  I will bring freedom and peace to the good people of Iraq, and it won’t cost you a dime, really, and in no time at all little flying toasters little flying toasters little flying toasters little flying toasters--

Technician 2: Oh fuck! The screensaver!

Kerry: The what?

Technician 1: Nothing! Nothing! Say, has anybody seen a mouse? Oh, there it is, let me just give it a little shake, there, that’s better—

Bush: Not a dime at all! That’s right! And if you ACT NOW, YOU GET SYRIA AND IRAN AT NO EXTRA CHARGE! PLUS THE PRIVATE ELONGATED SELF-AMUSEMENT DEVICE OF YOUR CHOICE! JUST PAY SHIPPING AND HANDLING!

Technician 2: Damnit, didn’t you turn on the spam filter?

Technician 1: I forgot, all right? it’s not like this is a fully validated system or anything—

Bush: MY NAME IS MOKOMBO! I AM THE SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF—

*Meanwhile, in the back row of the audience*

Steve Jobs: I soooo do not understand why we continue to struggle for market share in the face of this crap. *clicks remote control*

Kerry: *straightens up*  Ahem. Vote for me and four years from now, there will be no need to reboot.

7:07:54 AM