In order to reduce the terrible polarization of American society, the management here at Pesky the Rat has brought together Rat and Snake for a civilized, calm, measured, non-threatening debate on the merits of the two Presidential candidates, George W. Bush and John F. Kerry. Moderated by their agent and manager, Susan the Human.

Susan: All right you two! I’m so excited! Thanks for putting aside your partisianship and coming together for this very special happy peaceful Tails-Across-the-Great-Divide campaign debate.

Pesky the Rat: Stuff it, Susan. I’ve got my fully automatic snake repellent dispenser and I’m ready to aim it straight at that evil snake bitch.

Susan: Pesky! Mind your language. Remember, this is a happy event. Happy, happy--

Pesky the Rat: --yeah, and Republican talking points are flying out of my ass.

Susan: Such insubordination. All right. Let’s start with Janet. Janet, my dear, what did you think of George Bush’s performance last week in the debate?

Janet the Snake: Ooooooh he wassss Busssshiliciousssss. He sssslurped up that terrorissssst Kerry in two gulpssss. It wassss mossst excsssellent.

Pesky the Rat:  He looked like a drunk hamster who recently wandered off his wheel.

Janet the Snake: You are jussst jealoussss of hissss SsssuperSsssexinesss. Thossse who are not ssssupersssexy often drive themsssselvessss to madnessss admiring thosssse of ussss who are. Perhapsss you need sssome therapy. Here, sssoak yourssself in thisss lovely tub of melted butter. Hisshisshiss.

Susan: Well isn’t that nice, Pesky. Janet made you a little therapeutic bath. Just your size, too. She’s so sweet.

Pesky the Rat:  If that tub of butter comes one inch closer, I’m bringing out the Fully Automatic Snake Repellent Dispenser.

Susan: Put that Pez dispenser away, Pesky. Now let’s move on. Pesky, let’s look to the next debates. One question sure to come up is the re-importation of prescription drugs from Canada.

Pesky the Rat: I think that’s a fine idea. If those drugs were so darned dangerous, Canadians wouldn’t live longer than we do.

Janet the Snake: They live longer becaussssse they don’t tassssste nearly asss deliciousssss. The cold makessss them ssstringy. Like bad venisssson. 

Pesky the Rat: Murderous fiend--

Janet the Snake: --ssssso uncivilized. Here, Pessssky, you will feel sssso much better if I dribble thissss bearnaisssse sssaucesss on your ssssnout—

Pesky the Rat: All right, fucking snake bitch, you asked for it—

*BLAM*

Susan: Oh my god! What have you done to her!

Pesky the Rat: Oh relax. It’s just temporary.  She’ll come down after a few days.

Susan:  This is totally unacceptable, Pesky.  Well beyond the bounds of civilized discourse. Not to mention very undemocratic.

Pesky the Rat:  Kiss my rat ass.

Janet the Snake: Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Pesky the Rat: Clam it, garden hose.

Susan: Well I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know. I mean, without Janet, what have we got?

Pesky the Rat: Me! Me for fuck’s sake! The fucking blog is named after ME!!

Susan: This is just awful. I’m going to have to find some way to get her down. Here, let me try batting her with this stick and see if it helps.

*POP*
*WHOOOOOOOOOOSH*
*HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

Susan: Oh dear. Where did she go?

Pesky the Rat:  Now that’s what I call a civilized debate.

8:22:01 AM