8:06:50 PM   

By Mt. St. Helens (PTR) –  Lately, a lot of my neighbors have been asking me why I’m voting for George W. Bush. Mt. Ranier, for instance, said just the other day, “what the fuck is your problem, Helens? Why are you still voting for that idiot?”. Well, let me tell you, it’s hard being the only conservative volcano in a range of snowcapped liberals.  It’s downright difficult. That hippie Mt. Shasta sits around smoking Weed all day and then spouts off about Kerry this and Kerry that. And then there’s Mt. Hood. He spends all his time reading crazy lefty blogs, making up nasty things about my man George, and then at the end of the day he has the nerve to make Portland look pretty.  Communist.

Well let me tell you, folks, while all these wild liberals are wreaking havoc on everything that makes America great, I, Mt. St. Helens, am the absolute rock of stability.  I am the level-headed, even-keeled conservative among a dozen unbalanced rabid Bush-bashing fountains of hate.  I absolutely, positively, never blow my top.

Now I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say, “But Helens! I could have sworn that you were blowing your top just yesterday! I saw it on TV! Yes I did!”

Well, I can see how you might come to that conclusion, if you’ve been watching that liberal media. That’s right, those sneaky liberals have been photoshopping cigar smoke from their satanic icon Bill Clinton right on top of my tranquil perfectly cone-shaped dome. Yep, while Clinton is supposed to be recovering from heart surgery, he’s really sitting in a hot tub in Marin County smoking cigars with Monica Lewinsky. I have that from a trusted source.

Meanwhile, that bastard Mt. Ranier wiped out Seattle. Bet ya didn’t know that, didya? Nope, you didn’t. I bet some of you even live in Seattle and you didn’t know about it. That’s ‘cause the media doesn’t want you to know.  Nope, it’s just poor, little old me, minding my own business, doing a public service by scaring those little gay couples out of their campsites, and suddenly “OH ALMIGHTY SHE’S GONNA ERUPT!”  and “WATCH OUT BOYS SHE’S GONNA BLOW!!” 

It’s a travesty. It’s an injustice. And you’d never know it by watching the tv these days, but I’m the victim here. That’s right. Everywhere I look, the media’s calling me a “natural disaster” or a “sleeping monster”, or a “gigantic magma-filled explosive whatchamicallit”.  These liberal maniacs are systematically destroying my peaceful reputation.

And I’m suffering economic harm! Yes I am! Just yesterday, I applied for a job at Ben n’ Jerry’s and they turned me down. They said magma melts ice cream. Then I applied a medical oxygen supply company, but they said I had an “explosive temper”. All lies! But there you go. It’s a hard life being a conservative, sensible volcano. It sure is. I just can’t catch a break. It’s desperately unfair—

**BLOG ALERT**

**MAXIMUM SELF-PITY THRESHOLD HAS BEEN REACHED**

**ALL FURTHER ATTEMPTS AT SELF-PITY ON THIS BLOG WILL BE

INSTANTLY REPLACED BY CUTE BUNNYRABBITS**

8:13:19 AM