By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) - Updating an earlier story, a gigantic round ball made up of thousands of gerbils and Republican poll challengers stuck together with superglue has apparently rolled out of control near Cincinnati and crushed a local fried chicken restaurant. Witnesses say the ball, which was formed during a melee at the polls last night, started rolling after authorities attempted to stash it in a nearby cornfield for safekeeping until they could figure out how to unstick the participants. Unfortunately, the cornfield sat on an imperceptable hill, and after a time the ball began to roll, rapidly picking up speed. As it rolled, it acquired more and more participants, including Mrs. Picklestein's 4th grade class, twenty-two newspaper carriers, and 4,563 perturbed field mice. The ball is now twice its original size, and believed to be headed north for the Lake Erie. Scientists say that if the ball should plunge into the lake, it will displace enough water to swamp Detroit and Cleveland.

7:10:30 AM   

By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) -- In a stunning move, George Bush has declared that if he secures a second term, he will appoint Republican fundraiser and reptilian dominatrix Janet the Snake Empress of America.

"There's plenty of room in Washington for both of us," said George, "'specially since she ate up all those voters. She's just swell, she is." Or perhaps just swollen. In any case, the appointment of an Empress has no precedent in the United States. Network television experts say that they think such a post might be unconstitutional, but would also be sort of nifty and might spark a wave of reptilian tourism.

Janet the Snake herself, speaking from an all-night reptilian dive bar where she was snacking on chocolate-covered swing voters, said she was thrilled. "Thissss isss SsssuperSsssexy," she hissed, "I mussst now update my wardrobe to include minisssskirtsss worthy of an Empresssssss."

Meanwhile, rumors persist of some kind of rodentian plot to turn the new Empress into a purse.

6:40:50 AM   

By Lumpy the Mongoose (PTR) -- Osama Bin Laden, who has previously made investments in the underground Afghanistan real estate market, has announced that he is purchasing a beach-front condo in Jacksonville, Florida, after election results assured he would remain undetectable by the U.S. government for at least another few years.

"I was a little worried you know," said Bin Laden Wednesday morning while shopping for patio furniture at a Florida Wal Mart, "but it looks like we squeaked through."  Bin Laden has previously worked at an Uncle Salty's Seafood Shop in Washington, is now working as a greeter at a Jacksonville discount superstore. 

Bin Laden's confidence stems from his recent discovery that evil terrorist madmen are made up of molecules which only reflect light when viewed by people who are not entirely clueless.

6:09:28 AM