By Janet the Snake (PTR) – Ooooh I am sssssooo happy! Georgie-poo hasss won the pressssidencsssy and appointed me Empresss of America! Hisshisshiss. And becausssse we have won by sssssuch an enormoussss amount, over a billion votesssss, we now have a SsssuperSsssexy mandate! Yesssss! Ooooooh, makessss me feel all ssssquiggly.

Sssso eating all thosssse ballotssss—hisshisshiss, jussssst kidding—I mean voterssss—wasss a ssssuccesssful ssstrategy. Excsssellent.  My fanssss came out in large numberssss to vote for me and George. Here issss an exsssample:

“Oh I am so glad Janet the Snake is now Empress of America. And George is such a nice President that he would appoint her Empress and let her lead us to glory. I think they’re so nifty. Janet is so nice to plump, juicy field mice like myself. She even invited me over to dinner. I’m so excited! Today is a new day in America! And Janet even says she’s going to give all us rodents who voted for her and George a free hot dog bun!” –Stella the Field Mouse, Mobile, Alabama.

Thisss isss the kind of ssssupport that will allow George and I to do SssssuperSsssexy thingsss over the nexssst four yearssss.  Our firsssst job issss to reform ssssocial ssssecurity. We are going to exssschange the current benefitssss for high-fat food vouchersssss. Thissss will make the little beasssstletsss tender and fat. Of coursssse I have no reasssson to desssire fat beasssstletsss excsssept that I know it makesss them happy to be plump and fat. Hisshisshisss. I crack mysssself up.

Now that we have our SsssuperSsssexy Mandate there are ssssome new rulessss. No quessstionsss unless the reporter asssking the quessstion consssentsss to being made into sssshisssskabob immediately afterwordsssss. And any inssssolencsse on the part of the presss, sssuch asss impertinent articlessss alledging naughtiness on the part of my Georgie-poo, or my Dickie-ssssweetumssss, will be countered with a sssshort trip in a cuissssenhart.  I love my milksssshakessss. Hissshissshiss.

I am sssso happy.

7:54:19 AM