By Dr. Sneakypants (PTR) – Many major newspapers and television programs have spent the last week analyzing which presidential candidate took which share of the vote, which one made gains where, and which one is poised to remake America in his own image based on the mating habits of assorted waterfowl.  I am here to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that everything you have read and see on this subject from the mainstream American media can be considered absolute crap.  If you want the facts, you need to come to the source. And I, Dr. Sneakypants, inventor of the Ever-Expanding Electoral Enactor, am in possession of just enough unbridled scientific genius to give you the tip-top skinny.

First of all, we must divide the American voting public into meaningful categories. The tendency to divide America up into Red States, Blue States, well, this is all very nice, and I find it interesting that both of these colors are often associated with pornography, but it doesn’t amount to a hill of means. If we wish to understand the American electorate, we must find more accurate divisions. I personally prefer Dr. Murkypants* Theory of American Voters, which goes as follows:

The American voter thinks about only two things: food and sex. Voters in different regions, however, think of food and sex in differing ratios. For instance, voters in New York City think about almost nothing but food from morning till night. They pour over take-out menus and purchase fancy cheeses at gourmet shops.  They unapologetically eat enormous pizzas and enroll themselves on waiting lists to patronize abusive soup shops. Even when engaged in sex, they still think about nothing but food.

Voters in the lower midwest, however, are known to think of almost nothing but sex. Not their own sex, mind you, which is exceedingly rare, but other people’s sex. They are obsessed with the goings-on in the dark fluffy corners of their neighbor’s beds.  They obsess about the possible presence of lesbians in high school bathrooms. And even while they are eating, they are simultaneously terrified and tittilated by the presence of elongated vegetables.

And so if we divide American voters into a Food category and a Sex category, and run the 2004 election numbers through my patented Amazing Electoral Enumerator ($6799 in sixteen weekly installments, call 1-800-555-PANT), we discover the real reason for the Bush win this fall.

Quite simply, Bush won the election as a direct result of the perkiness of Janet Jackson’s left breast.

Let me explain. You see, when Ms. Jackson revealed her left breast on national television during the Superbowl (a favorite event with sex-oriented voters), she unintentionally caused the majority of the sex-voting public to roll off their couches, and, in the process, wake up. Sex voters generally sleep during the day after thinking about sex all night. When this drowsy group woke up and fell off the couch, they accidentally smacked their heads on a nearby end table. All across the country, the sound of hollow heads hitting laminate mahogany echoed like distant popcorn in a microwave. This impact finally redirected their attention from sex to the coming election, and they all simultaneously pledged to support the candidate most likely to keep them thinking about sex.  Or something like that.

And so the decision for the sex voters was clear. The candidate most likely to allow them to continue thinking about sex without actually having any was George W. Bush, and the candidate most likely to drive all thoughts of sex out of the human mind was John F. Kerry.

On election day, the sex voters lined up for Bush. They were happy to wait in line for long periods of time, as was required, because they were able to amuse themselves by thinking endlessly about sex.

The food voters, on the other hand, who favored Kerry due to his connection to the Heinz Ketchup empire, were at a distinct disadvantage. After several hours in line, many food voters--famished and unable to resist their desire for fine cheeses and fancy ketchups—simply gave up and rushed to a nearby supermarket.  And the rest is history.

*Dr. Murkeypants, Dr. Sneakypants’ mentor, was a flaming red guinea pig who escaped from the pot of a Peruvian cook and later went on to win the Nobel Prize for Rodentian Physics. Dr. Murkeypants met a terrible end last month when he attempted to satiate his curiosity by crawling into the tailpipe of Ashleigh Simpson’s tourbus.

8:16:45 AM