by Robertson the Seagull (PTR) -- Well hello there and hallelujah and all that crap. Robertson the Seagull here, back to bring you the Word o’ Jeeeeeeeeeeeeezus to save your everlastin’ soul from the godless heathens who shop in the dirty magazine section over at the cash n’ carry. 

So let’s get down to brass tacks. Lately y’all’s been hearing all sorts of crow about this evolution. All these satanic science scoundrels telling you ‘bout all those monkeys evolving into seagulls. Now if that isn’t a pile o’ hooey I don’t know what is. Now I know what you’re saying to yourselves, you’re saying, “Robertson! That ain’t no hooey! I learned all about that evolution stuff in school! Invertebrates and all that! They said it was all true! We even dissected a goddamned frog and I just about threw up!”

Well of course they said it was all true. See, these lurking lovers of Lucifer live inside the classrooms of America, just waiting for some God-fearing science teacher to come along and try to spread The Word, and then they leap out o’ the cabinets, impale the poor fellow on a microscope, dress up in his clothes, an’ indoctrinate all those innocent little boys ‘n girls into the Enumeration of Evil Imbibers in Evolutionary Unsightliness. That’s right! All those sweet little children swept away in a tide of satanic sewage!

Now we’ve all got an alternative to that evolutionary excrement, that carryout carton of crapola, yes we do. We don’t have to believe any o’ that hellacious hooey.  We’ve got something called Intelligent Design, and I’d like to take this most ex-ce-llent opportunity to get y’all read up on it.  To that end, let’s have a chat with a god-fearin’ scientist who isn’t afraid to defend The Truth with a capital T against the Beastly Biologists of Beelzebub. That would be the highly re-spect-ed Dr. Bigfoot. Dr.?

Bigfoot: Hello. *grunt*

Robertson: Well I’m mighty pleased y’all could join us, Dr. Bigfoot. Could you use your extra-ordinary scientific powers to demonstrate to us exactly why it is that this Intelligent Design is so far superior to this evolutionhooey?

Bigfoot: No problem.  Intelligent Design: good.  Evolution: bad.

Robertson: Yeah, we all got that, Dr. Bigfoot, but couldya get more specific for the blessed little kiddies out there?

Bigfoot: Aah, yes. Big Man in Sky think hard. Make bacteria and giraffes. *snort*.

Robertson: Now there y’all go. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. The Big Man in the Sky. ‘Cause everlovin Jeeeeeeeeezus knows it sure as hell ain’t some woman.

Bigfoot: *Grunt* Wo-man? Me love wo-man. Me take her to my cave and make little bigfoots. *snort*.

Robertson: Well ain’t that—er—yeah, well, can you explain why nobody should listen to these Biobeelzebubs? I mean, science-type-people?

Bigfoot: *rumblerumblerumble*. They say me don’t exist. Me exist. See, me even have drivers’ license and credit card.

Robertson: And there it is, Dr. Bigfoot, your very own everlastin’ credit card.

Bigfoot: Me have iPod too. Me love me iPod.

Robertson: Ain’t that nice. Now look at that. Dr. Bigfoot listening to the music o’ Jeeeeeeezus on his holy little iPod. Say, Dr. Bigfoot, what is y’all’s favorite tune? A nice little hymn?

Bigfoot: Me like Ozzie Osbourne. *grunt*

Robertson:  Eeeeh...all right then, maybe a little evolution wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all.

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7:46:33 AM