By Janet the Snake (PTR) – It issss outrageoussss! Outrageousssss! Thesssse godlessss rodentssss ruined my Chrisssstmassss! Disssgusssting little sssnacksss.   I attempted to sstring up sssome ssstuffed and lightly peppered hamssstersss and light them for the Chrissstmassss sssseassson, but the blasphemoussss beassstletsss refusssed! They insssissst that I not call them Chrissstmasss lightsss. They ssay I should call them Hamssster Lightsss of Death.  Thisss political correctnesss must be sstopped!

The rodentsss want to eliminate Chrisssstmasss altogether. They are godless creaturesss and do not wissssh to ccsssselebrate Chrissstmass becaussse it impedessss their ssssatanic dessssiresss.  For inssstancsse, jussst yesssterday, sssome rodentsss arranged themssselvess as a buffet in front of my door and sssang Jingle Bells for my enjoyment while I dined. It wassss mosst efficient. Dinner and entertainment in one ssssucculent package. Imagine my sssurprissse when thissss morning a massive gathering of little rodentsss appeared outssside my door holding up ssssignsss calling me a murderer!  And then while I wassss trying to reassson with them I sssnacked a little-I get sssso very hungry--and they pelted me with sssstickssss!

Inssssufferable sssnacksss. They ssshould all be placsssed in deep freeze only to be releassssed to a professional chef. Chrissstmasss isss a time of csselebration, and thossse of usss who properly csselebrate ssshould not be thwarted by walking cheessse puffssss who demand their “rightsssss”.   Sssnackss to not have rightsss. They have ssseasssoningsss.

It isss time that the oppressed predatorsss of the world  ssstand up and put thessse rodentsss in their placsse. No longer will we allow thessse pathetic little glorified airplane peanutsss take away our Chrissstmasss! Yessss! Christmassss belongsss to ussss!  All of it! Thessse beasstletsss can’t have any! I, Janet the Ssssnake, Empresss of America, SsssuperSssexy Reptile Pundit, I am the Queen of Chrisssstmasss! Yesss! Hissshisshissshiss—

*THWUNK*

*MMMPH*

We regret to inform our readers that Janet the Snake has for the moment hopelessly tied herself in a knot. She will be back as soon as someone can be found who is willing to untie a 10 foot mutant boa constrictor with an attitude problem.  We apologize for any inconvenience and wish you all a Happy New Year.

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